Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

I am that drunken rape victim

My anger at Nick Robinson was visceral. Having reflected on it I recalled the incident that occurred in the back of a police van in 1979, a serious sexual assault, committed by two police officers whom I knew. Having caught me and my boyfriend having a fumble in a shop doorway, they moved us on, then realising they knew us offered me a lift home. I was very drunk. My boyfriend lived not far away so could walk home. I accepted but had to sit in the back of the van. I told them my address, or maybe my boyfriend did, and then at some point during the journey I fell asleep. I woke as the van stopped, and immediately realised I wasn't at my road. Confused I asked why and they said I now had to "pay" for the lift. I obviously "loved it". I said no and tried to get out of the van but of course it was locked. One of them climbed over the seats and sexually assaulted me. When I fought him he covered my mouth with his hand. I was kicking him and so his mate came and held me down. There were hands all over me, I had a skirt on and they took my pants off. I am really not sure exactly what happened next but I think they took a call on the radio and shoved me out of the van. Anyway I soon sobered up sitting in the road bruised battered and without my pants and shoes. It was quiet as it was 3am and not far from home so I hobbled home.

Next morning I was utterly confused about what had happened. I pieced it all together over time as things came back to me.

I have never told anyone this before. Why?

Guilt: I was drunk, I was engaging in sexual activity with my boyfriend, I accepted a lift. Knowledge that I would not be believed,I was unclear exactly what had happened, and would be blamed. Shame . Yes I was ashamed of being drunk and letting this happen.

Now I see I could not have done anything to prevent it, and am only glad that call came in for them, which I believe saved me from a double rape.

But my shame and blaming myself continued for many years.

 

 

We do NOT give permission for posts published as personal experiences to be reproduced, translated or otherwise published elsewhere. We will not contact people who submit their personal experiences on behalf of journalists, bloggers or other third sector organisations. These testimonies remain the intellectual copyright of their authors and must be treated with the ethical guidelines used by academics for research involving human subjects. Our full guidelines can be read here.

Download this post as PDF? Click here Download PDF

Comments are currently closed.

2 thoughts on “I am that drunken rape victim

  • Admin says:

    Many thanks for courageously posting this. We can signpost you to some agencies who can offer support with this. You can find some details here or email us everydayvictimblaming@gmail.com with the name of your closest town and we can provide a link to local agencies.
    We believe you.

  • Louise says:

    You are very brave for saying this now, and I’m glad that you can now see that it was in no way your fault. I understand, and I believe you.