Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Husband shames me for sexual assault but claims he doesn’t (content note for depiction of rape)

I requested to meet with a union official to discuss some issues and to socialize. We were supposed to only casually drink, but he was drinking straight hard alcohol. Soon enough he began touching me a lot and making a clear indication of his sexual motive. I kept pushing him away and freezing up every time he came close to me. He talked a lot, but finally asked why I was there, and when I said I thought we could be friends, he laughed at me. He then went on about how much he paid for the resort and drinks as a way to impress me. He continued to try to touch me and hug me, and I would try to make each encounter as brief as possible, turning my head away, never once allowed him to kiss me.

I was shocked and overwhelmed by what was happening, especially since we're both married. While in the bathroom alone, I was able to gather my thoughts for a moment without feeling pressured by him, and decided that this was inappropriate and that it was time for me to leave immediately. I had no intention of having an affair with him. I walked out of the bathroom, and I told him I had to leave immediately. He was not happy and expressed his displeasure. I told him several time that I had to leave. I collected my purse and when I tried to leave, he was blocking my path. He continued to try to convince me to stay, and I began to feel bad for wanting to leave and so I apologized for leaving. He then approached me, went on his knees and restrained me, begging me to stay. I continued to say sorry, but that I really need to leave. Then all the sudden, he took my pants down and completely off, as he pushed me down onto the couch, and sexually assaulted me orally. I was in shock and couldn't move. I couldn't speak, hardly. I could not believe what was happening, and fear just overwhelmed me with regard to what was happening and how upset my husband was going to be. Shortly he stopped and asked me to show him what to do, and all I could do was slowly put my hand down over my exposed privates and ask him to stop. He stopped, but then began to say all the perverse sexual thing he wanted to do to me and kept putting his hands on me, as I pulled and turned away. I just closed my eyes and turned away, as he went on and on. I shook my head and started to quietly express my disbelief. Eventually he stopped touching me, and began to apologize to me. He claimed he has never stopped a woman from leaving and tries to teach his sons to make good choices. I still could not speak well, overwhelmed. He checked his phone and noticed a strange number had called him several times, it was my husband's number. I told him it was my husband, and I told him that I must leave immediately. I left, and he didn't try to stop me.

My husband is over-protective and very judgemental, and 14 years older than I am. I have difficulties telling him anything I know will upset him, as he gets very angry with me and puts me down often. I told him nothing happened for 18 months, then I finally cracked and told him everything. For 18 months, he accused me of cheating on him. He would constantly talk about how he knows and has proof that I cheated on him. He would constantly go online and watch videos if cheating wives, and he claimed he saw me in one of them. He would make up lies about how people were talking about him having sex with me. He shamed me often. After I told him about the sexual assault, he wouldn't have oral sex with me. He was extremely angry with me, making me tell him every detail, then accuse me of lying...that I lied for 18 months about it, so I must be lying. He tells me that he will never really know the truth. Then he told the police against my will, and wants me to prove it by having him charged with sexual assault. I refused, as it could adversely affect my job...since he is a senior union official and his wife works at the same employer. The police offered me victim services to help me deal with what happened, and said I can have the case reopened anytime after I get help. I took it, and have received support to help me to stop blaming myself and to deal with it. However, my husband still shames me on a regular basis and says that he will never really know what happened. He tells me that he believes that I had sex with him. He doesn't see how what happened was a traumatic experience for me, and claims that it was to just break the ice before sex. My husband has forced me to have sex, but claims it wasn't force....even after begging to stop and saying no multiple times...so it's so confusing to me. All I feel is anger, resentment, fear, shame, hopelessness, sadness, and loneliness. I want to leave, but I stay for the children (4). My husband says I'm selfish all the time and that I will ruin the children's life by leaving, and he promises he will make things so bad for me that I will want die if I leave him. This is the first time I've talked about the assault in detail....thanks for the release.

 

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4 thoughts on “Husband shames me for sexual assault but claims he doesn’t (content note for depiction of rape)

  • Admin says:

    I am so very sorry that the union official sexually assaulted you. It was not your fault and you are not responsible for the choices he made. Please reach out to the rape crisis support services listed below. They can help support you.

    Your husband’s behaviour is abusive. He is punishing you for being sexually assaulted. This is not what a good husband would do. A good husband would believe you, help you access support services if that is what you wanted, and would not force you to report your sexual assault to the police. Compulsory testifying is unfair and unkind. You deserve so much better than this. You are not selfish. You would not ‘ruin’ your children’s lives by ending this relationship. He has done so by choosing to engage in abusive and bullying behaviour.

    The number for the National Domestic Violence helpline is below. They can help you access support. They can also support you in creating a safety plan (https://www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/.

    We believe you. x

    These are the free phone numbers for the national rape crisis organisations in the UK. The phone lines are staffed by trained volunteers who are there to listen. You can also find local support services on their websites.

    Rape Crisis Scotland: http://www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk
    Freephone 08088 01 03 02
    (Every day, 6pm to midnight)

    Rape Crisis England/ Wales: http://rapecrisis.org.uk
    Freephone 0808 802 9999
    (12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm every day, and 3-5.30pm weekdays)

    Freephone 24 hr National Domestic Violence Helpline Run in partnership between Women’s Aid & Refuge: 0808 2000 247 (http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/if-you-are-a-woman-experiencing-domestic-violence.aspx)
    Women’s Aid has a forum where you can get support : http://survivorsforum.womensaid.org.uk

  • Operastrop says:

    Your husband is controlling and horribly abusive. His reactions are those of a man who is entitled, misogynistic and downright cruel. He is using the children to blackmail you into staying. I left my ex husband and brought my four children up alone. You can do it. It’s far better than them growing up in a culture of domestic violence where they see their mother so disrespected. For him to blame you for the attack on you is a massive red flag as to his abusive mindset. You are not wrong. It is not your fault. Try and find the courage to get away. You can do it. It won’t be easy because he will give you the fight of your life. Read as much as you can and seek help via Womens aid or local domestic violence charity for support. Lundy Bancrofts book ‘Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men’ is excellent. You could also research ‘narcissism’ online and on YouTube. This could give you some invaluable insight into your husbands’s personality type. It could change your life. Good websites are ‘after narcissistic abuse’ and ‘ladywithatruck’ if you look up those others will come up in the search. Louisa de Canonville also has some good things to say about a form of psychological abuse called ‘gaslighting’ which is what your husband is doing to you. Any man who has behaved as he has is not a good man. Protect your children from him because he will harm them as well as you. Be warned. It won’t be easy. Expect to see a side of him you never imagined but take heart because a lot of us have escaped and you will never regret it. He will also try to win you round. Don’t fall for it. Educate yourself as much as you can, when you are clear in your head make a plan. Do not discuss it with him. It will hinder you and put you in danger. Make sure that you take your kids with you or get him out of the house. If you can insist he leaves. That’s what I did but it was very very hard. Get a good counsellor who is experienced in abuse at the least. They will help you see through the manipulations you will have been subjected to. He sounds hideous and very like my ex who is a very dangerous man. I took out an order against him. You can do this yourself. You don’t have to have a solicitor. You can also get an occupation order if he won’t move out. Report the sexual assault by your husband to the police and your Gp. Get it on record. Keep notes of all he says and does because you may need to prove his behaviour and this will help you think straight and build a clear picture. Make sure he doesn’t access it though. Keep any texts or emails and take screenshots so you can print them out. Start doing this now because it may take you some time to take it all in. Reassessing your life and marriage is hard but when you see the truth it will help you and make you strong. I don’t regret for a second leaving. Good luck. Be safe.

  • Gem says:

    I’m so sorry that you had to go through any of this. Your husband has made an already terrible situation even more terrible with his behaviour. He is abusive. You are not selfish and being assaulted was not your fault. Please stay safe and, if possible, use the links posted in the previous comment to seek support. You deserve so much better than this. We believe you.

  • Helen Mary Jones says:

    Heartbreaking that you have been through this, and are still going through it. As earlier responses show, you have choices, and do not have to put up with this.
    What you do is up to you. Only you know your whole situation. But please do not stay for your children. However subtle your husband is, however careful you are to hide how the abuse effects you, they will know what’s going on. And it will effect them. I am not saying you should leave for their sakes – only you can know what is best. But, while growing up with both parents is great for children if those parents are kind and supportive, there is no evidence that the simple fact of parents staying together is good in itself.
    Sending strong thoughts