Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

How I Feel

It's 25 years since the physical side of what happened to me stopped, but I still fight every day to just be ok. It's hard to explain to people how I feel so I tried it via a wee poem.

Will I ever reach a place where I can leave the fear behind
Where all the things they said to me are no longer on my mind
I look in the mirror every morning and it’s all still the same
The body that I live in is still the source of so much shame

I can’t tell you how I feel inside, I just don’t have the words
The emotions that I try to hide are so bad it physically hurts
They took away my everything, and left an empty shell
And even now, after all these years it’s still a living hell

I try to change the way I feel, to build up what is left of me
But I still hear their voices, telling me what I should be
The way they laughed still fills me ears and makes me want to die
And because I can’t just hide away it’s all I can do just not to cry

How can I change my whole way of being, my belief in who I am
I’m so scared of what I need to do, I don’t know if I can
I want you to know I am trying, I just don’t have a lot to give
But my goal is to get there somehow, and learn at last to live

 

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One thought on “How I Feel

  • lynda says:

    thank you for sharing your amazing poem it really resonates with me I feel like that so much inside that nothing will ever be the same again even though i’m here and still fighting to be me and to be heard. The pain for me is so inside our mind and inside your body is an on going battle for people who’ve had traumatic things happen to them but I know I will conquer and overcome. Never ever give up no matter how hard it gets your brave strong and courageous and your still here this page is for all of us where warriors the battle like for you and me and many people to overcome trauma and abuse over a prolong period to process it through our mind and bodies we can do this one step at a time never forget that your a wonderful human being and that part of being kind to yourself is to take little steps and I’ve learnt slowly to listen to my body and be kind to myself and not to be hard on myself. Many a time people have abused our bodies when we were small and in our mind we’ve been made to feel guilty and ashamed but we shouldn’t be we were children and groomed manipulated by adults who should have know better. For years I felt dirty ashamed and guilty and still do at times I kept going back to a parent child relationship thinking if only I did this or did that that I would be loved but you can change another and in the end it was to toxic and I have no contact with that person now. I have learnt now I have to be the mother to myself to accept things as they are my good and negative parts of who I am and work from their. Fear I struggle with fear of others waiting to be attacked fear for my children and fear for the unknown fear can suffocate you and I guess taking small baby steps and making small achievable goals is that both of us can overcome are fear. I send you my love hugs and in collaboration of another warrior your amazing take care Lynda