Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Hit me more why don’t you

1985 Got Married to a Monster

Became pregnant and wedding was arranged but the week before I lost the baby but the wedding had to go ahead

He changed as soon as we were married he was out drinking and became agressive
In the start I would go out with him but if any man talked to me he would hit him so after each time I went out with him and he started trouble I decided
to stay home ,it was easier

I had my eldest daughter and six weeks on I went hoen to my parents , the drinking and abuse became to musch but the fool in me made me go back to him
I was a hairdresser but I could not go anywhere not even to work he dropped me off and picked me up every day to control everthing I did

This sad life continued for another 6 years before the occasional sex and I was pregnant again but the anger from him was increasing , he would come home
drunk and angry tip me out of the bed I never told anyone I kept it to myself

It was another 6 years and I was pregnant again 3 girls but not that I wanted a big family or

I would have had them closer together .

They only time I had freedom to go to work was when I worked as a hairdresser for his aunty and he knew where I was every minute of the day

He worked hard but played hard and i was his punch bag when he came in drunk on the weekends , was I the only person to look forward to Monday coming .

Each time he came in he would want sex stinking of drink and hovering over me if I refused he tipped me out of bed , then if I managed to avoid him he would
urinate in the bed and I would have to change out of my wet pyjamas and sleep on the settee

If he came in and lay on the settee he would urinate there , it was a merry-go-round of washing sheets or the throw on the settee and telling the kids
'oh daddy spilt his tea so I had to wash it '

He had two affairs that I know about but he told a friend of mine that they were on two I knew about of many .

We bought a house in 2006 and needed a lot of money , so my parents took out a mortgage on their house and lent us £200,000 to buy it and put in more money to
build and extension and totally refurb it

It was £225,000 to buy £200,000 from my parents £25,000 from the sale of out bungalow and £50,000 mortgage

My mother eventually sold their farm and paid off the mortgage and moved in with us
I looked after them , as well as him and the three girls and even though the drunken weekends continued I hid it from everyone outside the family

The girls heard it and knew what was going on with the eldest coming into the bedroom on occassion shouting at him to stop it

I feel terrible about involing my parents in the nightmare I was living , I never said anything to them but I know they knew what he was doing
but were to old to help so they lived in fear also

Novemeber 2012

Father died I inherited his share of the house

January 2013

Went out to Z with my friends , my daughter N******* drove me there in the car and picked me at 2am from outside the Y

During the drive home M my ex husband phoned N******* a number of times while she was driving , in a rage shouting at N******** where are you

When we arrived home he was screaming and shouting ,I could see he was in one of his drunken rages

He was throwing the Patio furniture around and smashing it up , T was trying to stop him

I came in the house with N***** and L***** my youngest daughter who was holding E***** , N*******'s daughter who was 7 months old with N******* shouting if you don't
stop daddy i am going to phone the Police

He came in punched the fridge twice then started to go for me but T tried to hold him and N****** ushered me upstairs , then my other daughter G**** the eldest
daughter came and with  they managed to get him into the car and take him to their house

This was the final straw which made me decide I needed to get away from this man and applied for a divorce

He would not accept this and was in a rage

He told me that I would not get the house on the yard where the business is run from as they split the deeds and put it in his parents name 10 years ago without
saying anything

He wants a 50/50 split which means I if the house sells for £390,000 will get £170,000 ,,, £30,000 less than my parents put in and now we are divorced the house on
the yard that is in his parents name is on the market for £450,000

In order to avoid him over the next few months I went to meet my friends but each time I returned he was waiting me and started slapping and pushing me asking where

I had been and who with every time I went out.

He remained living in the house but finally decided to move into a flat over the village pub , this lasted for a few weeks but on the August Bank holiday Mondsay 2013

he started ringing me at 7am I answered but he was shouting and raving , he turned up at the house and to save him smashing the door I opened it and he came in ,
i tried to get away and went upstairs but he followed me screaming and then threw my jewelry box at me shouting get your fucking stuff out of my room , he then went
butturned up at 10.45pm with his clothes

One night I went to bed , he was out on a do with the local Cricket boys in the village pub , on his return although we had separate rooms he decided to try to get
into bed with me , I told him to get out and he started his drunken antics , L was home with her friend staying the night and to avoid any
more abuse and embarressment for L I picked up my car keys and ran outside and drove away , ending up in the car park by beach were I stayed until

I thought it safe to return but unfortunately it was a mistake as I came in the door he pinned me against the sink grabbed the rubish bins and tipped it over me i
was covered in food waste and suddenly L appeared but seemed to frightened to say anything and i was left to suffer on my own ,he stopped and i cleaned it up
before L friend woke and I just got ready for work and left

He then changed tack and started saying he would change if I did not leave him and that he would stop drinking , for the sake of my girls and because I had always
been a private person hiding all the domestic abuse I had taken from him over the 27 years we were married , which I find now talking with other domestic violence
victims that that the abuser never changes .

As he was trying to get back with me on his phone I found him sextexting Vwho he had been meeting on his nights out  .I threw his phone at him
and it broke and i picked it up and threw it in a pan of boiling water

Later he decided to take me down to her house to make me watch him tell her it was over between them in order to try to prove to me he would behave , but he was not
taking my feelings into it and after that it confirmed to me I was making the right decision to get a divorce

On another occasion he had gone out and on realising he was in my daughters N*******'s house sleeping on the settee telephoned him in order to get him away
from there as he had a tendency to urinate himself after he had been drinking and I did not want her furniture to be his next victim as ours and the marital bed had
been previously.

On arriving there he was very drunk and would not get up from the settee yet I felt so concerned that he did not urinate on her furniture that I kept trying to get
him to get into the car ,
he had his own bedroom so he could do what he wanted in there .

After an hour or two of coaxing he finally relented and got into the car but I should have expected what was to happen next but as usual I thought more of my
children than my own care and when he started to slap me around the head as I was driving realised that I need to get into the house as soon as possible .

On arriving and after a few more slaps to the head I jumped out of the car and ran inside and locked the door for my own safety and refused to open it with him
acting like that.

He was climbing over the gate and walls trying to get in at the various doors but they were locked .

He stopped makeing a noise and the following day I found out he rand T who came and picked him up and took him home with him

November 2013
The following week ,he went out taking L***** who was 16 at the time to the pub. I went out with my friends and after waitng for a taxi

I shared one with two of his friends from the village that he would go out drinking with and arrived home at around 4.20am .On checking in L*****'s bedroom to my
dismayI found she was not there yet Ms door was open and on viewing him there in bed i asked if he knew where she was as at her age it was a concern he had
left her out in the village pub.

He stirred and said she had gone home with G**** and T , on hearing this I went to my bedroom down the corridor and proceeded to change into my pyjamas when my
door flew open and he started throwing thigs around smashing the cot for the grandchildren and other things shouting ' shagging the bloke is the taxi is it , then
abruptly stopped and went back to his room in a blind panic i made the stupid move of trying to lock him in his room and had the thought to take a sheet from the
cupboard next to his door to tie the handle so he could not get out but he pulled the doorand he got his arm through the gap and grabbed my hair , he pushed me to
my room by my hair as I tried to get him to let me go I reached behind me and sank my nails into his penus and thighand threw me onto the floor
where standing over me he struck me twice in the face with his fist once on the bridge of the nose on the second on my mouth . I was dazd at this point and he
crouched ove menow pressing his forearm into my neck making it hard for me to breathe especially as I have asthma .

I screamed i cant breate and for some strange reason he pulled the quilt off the bed with his free hand and pushed it under my head , then tearing at my pyjamas
he managed to rip my knickers in tatters from my body and was trying to pull my pyjama bottoms off .

He then forced his fingers inside me while he was with his body weight accross me and I could not move he then tried to rub himself on the outside of my vagina
trying to get an erection but i dont believe it was sex he wanted but to rape me as part of the control he had taken of my life over the past 27 years and it as
rage that was causing him to do this so he failed to get an erection even though was rubbing his penis on the outside of me .

As he failed in his attempt to rape me he urinated over me .

I phoned my friend as it was quicker that the police and her and her husband came over to rescue me

A week after this attack I drove down to Beach and took and overdose in my car

He was arrested and interviewed and charged and then with the marks my nails had inflicted on him when asked by the police about them he said I stabbed him the week
before when I locked him outside the house which was a fabrication yet a serious accusation had to be followed up and was subsequently dropped in court with no
eveidence

He was put on bail with conditions attached not to spek to me or come within 100 yds of the house , this did not make any difference to him as he just sent others to
antagonise me instead

Boxing day 2013

I had an awful Christmas Day after I realised the girls were spending time with their father and sat alone wondering what I had done to deserve this , I sat there
drinking and alone one of them turned up but it was to late .

N****** turned up on Boxing Day in her fathers jeep but I told her I was upset by her and did not want to see her , I was talking to her throught the door of the
jeep and as she drove away I had my hand on the mirror and the glass came out in my hand and broke

20 Feb 2014

T and N one of the company drivers turned up and T proceeded to start the JCB with the intention of taking it away , I was home with my friend
B and I went out to tell him he could not take it but he just told me to 'fuck off I am M said' , my father who had died in November 2012 had paid form
half of the machine and I did not want it removed and sold and then I would have nothing from the sale so I stood in front of the machine but T kept his foot
on the accelerator making me retreat until we arrived at the closed gate and i was jammed between the gate and the bucket , another couple of inches and my legs
would have been broken , B was shouting at him but he just gave her abuse .

He stopped the machine and got down which gave me the chance to run in my kitchen and press my panic alarm installed by the police and informed him so he left

On arrival I informed the Police oficer a O what had happened but he was not interested saying its half my ex husbands and tough

He would not take a statement from me or B as a witness and said its a civil matter and went .

28 Feb 2014 Incident number

Phoned home to tell L that i was finishing work early and would bring food with me she said ok , when i arrived there about 6.30 pm I could see and Transport lorry belonging to my ex driving away with the JCB on it on the road at the far end of the field and realised that they had taken it , L said it

was T, M and this time M brother  had been there taking things , on inspection not only had the JCB gone but they had smashed the door of one
of the sheds in and taken equipment from there.

I called the police and they tracked the JCB down to the yard

He was just using others to harrass me knowing I was in a fragile state to destroy me mentally

I struggled through the next few months but with the help of S he got me out of the dark place i was in and in May he took me to Turkey for a much needed escape
In the middle of the week the phone started to ring at 9 am or 7am UK time I did not answer it but it was constant when it stopped it started again ,

S said answer it but it was my ex M Breaching his Bail in a rage saying 'don't come back then rang off and phoned again and he said 'dead o'.

I reported this to the police and this time the officer that came was as you would expect from the Police , very concerned about what was happening and the
harrassment I was recieving .

He took all the details on his laptop and said they would contact T to tell him to stop intimidating me

Sunday the day before the case against him was supposed to start in  Crown Court

L****** had a horse show and M had gone with her the week before so it was my turn to go and he knew that but on the day he turned up even though G****
had said to him to stay away , he drove in with the car and Tom was with him , I started to have a panic attack and rang the Police as he was again Breaching his Bail

He and T were in the car park making gestures at me and L***** was screaming at me for calling the Police

I got in my car and quickly went home and phoned S but I had to get away and drove off and in fear for my safety they rang the Police who stopped me
and persuaded me to come home , I was not in the right frame of mind to talk with anyone so locked myself in on my own\

I do not know what came over me but the pressure of it all and the tablets I was on caused my to put a rope around my neck to try to end it all , it appears that
I slipped off the chair and the rope slipped on my neck and I fell to the floor knocking myself out , I came to because I heard banging and when I opened the door in
a daze S and my cousin and L were there , they called an ambulance and the police came

Nothing was done about him breaking his Bail Conditions again as if he was arrested and taken to in he would be held overnight and in the Magistrates Court on the
Monday when he should be in Crown Court so he got away with that also even though it nearly resulted with me losing my life .

The future was now consisting of depression and tablets and court cases but now it was me the victim who was in court as he tried to make me withdraw the charges
having me charged over his mobile phone the mirror glass on his jeep and now this charge of stabbing , I the housewife of 27 years that brought up his children and
looked after him and the house even though he hit me most weekends was not in the dock .By this time I was having a break down he sent a message via Nata saying
that if I dropped the charges he would too but I wold not he had done to me the most dispicable thing in punching me and then trying to rape me
The phone I did because of the reasons I mentioned earlier but the mirror glass was an accident as later on when N****** was using it the other side fell out of its
own accord then this alleged stabbing incident which became a joke and a tool where if I paid £350 pounds for the mirror ad a caution they would drop the charge of
stabbing , I refused but was forced by my solicitor and Steve to accept it an go home before my sanity went .

My next problem was the girls fighting over the jeep one day he gave it to N******* and the next he took it from her and gave it to G**** , this caused much tension
between them with me caught in the middle and after S had bought a car which L***** was going to have , N****** needed it adn even though I was only getting
£87.50 a week on the sick I was paying £20 for the car insurance and road tax

One afternoon G***** turned up while L****** and N******* were outside with me and when I asked her what was going on she started to get angry and we ended up with
her coming towards me shouting and swung her fist , I ducked and grabbed some chippings and threw them in her direction hitting the pick up .

She then phoned the police as I locked the door to get away from her
I was so shocked that she attacked me I was distraught that she could attack me like that , I would not open the door not to the police or anyone , but when i did
apparently for my own safety they took me to the police station where i was kept until a doctor had seen me
The next day I was released

I was wreck on the anti depressants all stemming from the attack , my life was turned upside down the girls were being pulled from pillar to post and all I see is
my life as I knew it going down the drain my family in turmoil

This went on until New Years when I had a breakdown and pushed everyone out of my life , the case was due to start in January and I hoped that would be the end of
it but it was adjourned until July

I received a letter from the CPS saying that M had been charge with harassing me in Turkey and that I had to attend court in April

I went there expecting to see him charged with breaching his bail but they only spoke about the phone calls and as they had not taken a statement from S or
called him as a witness it was my word against his saying that he threatened me and he got away with it , nothing was said about the Breach Of Bail

This was an eye opener for me and I was determined he was not going to destroy me and got stronger and got ready for the Crown Court Case in July

Monday Crown Court

S and my friend came with me for support and we arrived at the witness area via the rear door and was taken to the witness room

I was doing it via video link as the thought of seeing him terrifies me to where I want to run away

After a while the CPS Officer and the Barrister Prosecuting the case came in to speak with us they said it would start about 11.20 and left but soon returned

They sat down with us and informed me that the Defense had made an offer that M would accept a guilty verdict on the assault with a restraining order attached
if they dropped the sex charges

They told me to take my time about making up my mind but I said he has hit me many times over the 27 years we were married but this time he tried to rape me and
I was not going to let him get away with it

The case started with the video evidence I gave when the attack happened his defense barrister asked me questions trying to make out that because i broke his phone
I was the agressive one and that he hit me in self defense and that the sex was rough sex

Tuesday

Was much the same with the friend that came to my rescue D**** and her husband A*** giving their account

We left then and went home to await the result

Wednesday

Thursday

Just before lunch I went to thank D**** for her help that night , suddenly the call came through from the court that he had been found Not Guilty

Now he has been acquitted there is nothing to stop him harassing me again and making my life a total misery

I dont know if I go out to work if I will come back to an empty house , it is part his and there is nothing to stop him walking in ans taking things

The CPS should have applied for section 5a of the harassment act 1997 , restraining order after aquittal but they did not so I am left to face it on my own

He beat me for years , he beat me that night he beat me in court and he looks like he will beat me on the divorce settlement , how did this happen to ME ?????

 

ADMIN: We have removed some of the identifying details in this post

Download this post as PDF? Click here Download PDF

, , , , , , ,

Comments are currently closed.