Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

He was 21, I was 16

And I agreed to sex. Which would still be rape even if he didn't force me to keep going after I said stop. But it went further than statutory rape. I feel so guilty because I agreed to do it at first and after he entered me I panicked. It hurt, I told him to stop. I told him I didn't want to do it anymore and he kept having sex with me. I was completely dry and I kept crying because I was physically uncomfortable and he kept going. He gave up on vaginal sex because I wouldn't stop crying, and he told me to give him oral instead. I agreed, but I started crying again because I couldn't breathe and he kept holding my head down and then he forced himself down my throat and didn't let go and I kept trying to push him off. He finished and I went home with scratches on my knees and gravel in my hair (he coerced me into doing it in an empty lot) and I took a shower and cried when I got home, and I refused to think about it as rape for a month after, at least not consciously. I started obsessively googling statutory rape laws and if it was rape if he kept going and all sorts of other things, and I finally had a breakdown and poured out all my feelings to my online boyfriend. He took it way more seriously than I expected, I expected him to mock me or call me silly because it was initially consensual but he told me that what happened absolutely was rape and that my feelings were valid and after I opened up to him I guess I was able to start processing what happened and the trauma a bit better, but I still feel disgusting and awful to this day. I know it wasn't my fault, but part of me still feels guilty. I'm nervous to type this in case anyone I know sees it, even people I've told. I know realistically this is a very niche website and they'll never google something that leads them here, but I'm still ashamed and I hope nobody ever finds out that this is me.

 

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One thought on “He was 21, I was 16

  • Admin says:

    Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. This is absolutely not your fault, but its also normal for victims to go through stages of shame and guilt when they’ve experienced trauma. Knowing this and feeling this can be different processes and it can take a time to get to the point where you no longer feel shame and guilt. Below are some of the helpline numbers for Rape Crisis – if you want to talk.

    These are the free phone numbers for the national rape crisis organisations in the UK. The phone lines are staffed by trained volunteers who are there to listen. You can also find local support services on their websites.

    Rape Crisis Scotland: http://www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk
    Freephone 08088 01 03 02
    (Every day, 6pm to midnight)

    Rape Crisis England/ Wales: http://rapecrisis.org.uk
    Freephone 0808 802 9999
    (12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm every day, and 3-5.30pm weekdays)

    The US National Sexual Helpline information is here: https://www.rainn.org