Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Gang Raped at 15-Fiancee Says I Wanted It

When I was 15 I was gang-raped by a group of gang members as an initiation for my boyfriend at the time. He told me we were going to a party and since I was only 15 my parents wouldn't allow me to go so I snuck out of the house. I met him and we went to the party.

When we get to "the party" I come to find out that the party was for me and his initiation into the gang. It all happened so fast. We walk in, he leaves cuz "he forgot something in the car" and then I'm held there, raped by at least 8 of them, over and over until I was able to get away. I left there naked and hurting, hiding in the bushes because they were after me. When I noticed they had given up on me I ran home, hiding everytime I saw headlights. I made it to my house and never told anybody until about a year and a half ago when I confided in my now fiancee.

He now uses it against me and says that nobody would ever let that happen and the only reason it did is because I wanted it to happen. I never got any counseling because as I said I never told anyone and the one person I actually opened up to now blames me for the whole incident. He says it happened because I come across as wanting that and that all men see me as doable. How is it that at 15 I wanted that and that I was and am doable? He can't tell me specifically what he means by that he just tells me that I'm the "2 o'clock whore", whatever that means.

I need help and advice because I have never talked to anyone about this and the only person I did confide in now blames me.

 

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18 thoughts on “Gang Raped at 15-Fiancee Says I Wanted It

  • Admin says:

    Hi Anita.

    We believe you. We know it wasn’t your fault.

    We’re going to try & find you a specialist service who are experienced at working with girls & women who have been abused due to gang activity, as it’s important that this issue is recognised.

    Could you email us to tell us where you live? We need your closest town / city, if possible.

    We’ve asked our supporters to provide some support via the comments, too.

    We know this isn’t your fault. We know you didn’t do anything to ’cause’ the men to rape you. We believe you & know it wasn’t your fault.

    Sending peaceful thoughts xx

  • Janet says:

    It definitely was not your fault. No one asks to be raped. Even if this were a consensual encounter (which I know it isn’t) at fifteen you wouldn’t have been old enough to legally consent, so it would still be rape.

    I would be a bit wary of staying in the relationship with your fiancé if he says that sort of thing to you. It seems like he is potentially emotionally abusive. Even if he isn’t, the attitude that his remarks seem indicative of is that of someone who is dismissive and cruel in a situation where he should show empathy and respect.

  • Megan says:

    First, let me say I am so very sorry for what happened to you-it was not your fault and that I believe you. You did not (nor will you ever) deserve to be raped, and you are so brave, loved, and you are not alone in this recovery process.
    I don’t know many resources (as I’m unsure of where you live), but as far as the fiancé goes…well, from this outsider’s perspective, he’s using a traumatic experience from your past to try and keep you in line with what he wants, and it strikes me as a rather abusive behavior (and if it’s not abusive, it’s certainly uncalled for, low, reprehensible, and he doesn’t comprehend the concept of fighting fair.) I would strongly recommend both individual and couples counseling for both of you (should you choose to continue your relationship with him), as the dynamic seems to be shifted toward something that will further harm you, and you do not deserve that-not now, not ever.

  • Leann says:

    Just read this and i am so sorry that an individual you thought you could trust has let you down so badly x
    It was not your fault, you are not a whore and you certainly did not ask for it. By posting i really hope you pursue and seek professional support that is out there. And as for your fiance…. Sorry i wont comment as i dont want to upset you anymore than you already are x
    Keep strong x

  • Catherine says:

    I am so sorry this has happened to you. It wasn’t your fault. It could never have been your fault. Your then boyfriend chose to do this to you, and those men chose to rape you.

    I work with young women who are involved in gangs and their experiences of gang initiation are very close to your own. Girls are used by male gangs in order to pay off debts, settle scores or, as in your own situation, used as part of an initiation right. This is something that is happening to alot of young women and there was nothing you could have done to stop this.
    I can offer you some information and research into girls and gangs if it would help?
    I can also (hopefully) offer some links to services that will be able to support you.
    Please think about whether your current boyfriend is the right person for you. If he isn’t prepared to believe you, and doesn’t think that you were forced, or that in some way this was your own fault, then I would question whether he is going to be good for you right now.
    Please post again if you would like any support or info.
    Telling your story takes immense strength and courage and I am in awe that you are able to share it.
    Lots of support and love to you xx

  • Heidi says:

    I believe you and I am so sorry this happened to you.

    Your fiance is WRONG. There is no such thing as someone who “asks for it”. It simply is not true.

    You are so brave even writing this and i really hope you are able to find some peace in life. Please consider the help everyone offered here.

    X

  • This was such a horrific thing that happened to you and most definitely wasn’t your fault. I hope that you are OK. If you are feeling in the right place there are organisations such as Rape Crisis who you could talk to.

    As for your fiancee. Please think carefully about him. He is being abusive by using this against you. And hear what he is saying to you. He is telling you what he is like. He is telling you what he thinks of you.

    I hope that doesn’t upset you any more but you deserve people around you who will support you not attack you.

  • Helen says:

    Rape is never the victim’s fault!
    You are brave to have shared this experience & I hope you get some good support

  • Graham says:

    Anita…There is so much help available and EverydayVictimBlaming are brilliant. Please reach out to them and get the support and reassurance you deserve, and they can source for you. As for your current partner, well, put it this way…there are lots of good, loving, supportive men out there, you don’t need or deserve this disrespect. Best wishes.

  • Emma says:

    Firstly, Much love and support to you! It was NOT your fault!!
    Secondly, and I’m very sorry if this is not what you want to read but I have to ask, If your fiancée thinks that because you are ‘doable’ (can he not say beautiful and sexy)and that you must have wanted it because you didn’t fight off at least 8 men (Does he think you have super woman physical strength?)so you must have “wanted” it do you not question that victim blaming mentality? What would happen if you said no to him? I would worry about the possible past, present and future behaviour of someone who reacts the way your partner has. His view seems to be to take the side of 8 men who are strangers over you. That is not right!
    You deserve so much more! Please get some counselling!

  • kaylee says:

    Rape is never your fault, no matter what. I would be concerned your fiance is emotionally abusing you and trying to diminish your self esteem. If you call the victim supportline on 0845 30 30 900 then can refer you to a local source of support and counselling services. You can even give a pretend name if you like. You are a strong woman to speak up and thousands of victims will be grateful you have. I wish you all the best and hope you can finally access the support you need.

    Kaylee

  • Hecuba says:

    You are very brave and courageous to speak out publicly about your experience and no you were not to blame or responsible for those boys who made the choice to subject you to sadistic male sexual violence.

    I believe your fiancee does not respect you but instead is attempting to control and exploit you. I hope all the other comments help you because there are some women who do not believe mens’ lies that we women and girls are responsible for males’ sexual violence perpetrated against us.

    I also sincerely hope you are able to find the right support and help you need because sadly group male sexual violence against young women and girls is not ‘new’ – it has been occurring for decades.

    Speaking out about your experience takes great courage.

  • umlolidunno says:

    None of what was done to you is your fault and I’m so, so sorry for everything you’ve been through. We believe you.

    You’re very brave to ask for help instead of accepting your fiance’s terrible mistreatment of you. He is wrong, and has proven himself unworthy to be your partner. This is a horrific violation of your trust, and shows a profound lack of empathy on his part.

  • Survivor says:

    Honey,
    Rape is NEVER the victim’s fault. Ever.

    It sounds like you need a new fiancee. He’s absolutely terrible to tell you those things. It takes tons of courage to speak up, especially to loved ones. I would suggest therapy (the sooner the better), and take your fiancee to get educated on the matter. Ignorance only perpetuates rape culture. Stay strong!

  • GilraenS says:

    Dear Anita, Whatever he said on the topic is wrong so wrong. It was not your fault and you did not want it to happen to you. You were 15 and probably in love with the young man that so utterly utterly betrayed your trust. He and the men that raped you wanted it and are the ones at fault. You are not at fault. You were then as you are now an innocent victim lured into abuse by those you once trusted. We do believe you, we know you did not want it to happen to you

    Reading the response your fiancee gave I got so angry so furious that it took me a little while to come up with a response. He is so wrong, it is beyond words how wrong he is. Not only because he did not believe you, but because he victimizes you and last but not least he is a man that betrayed the trust you put in him by telling him your deepest secret. I feel so sorry for you that again a man you trusted has betrayed that trust. You are a victim, and victims should never be blamed.

    Please do take up the offer Admin made and let EVB help you find the resources to overcome this total betrayal.

  • Your fiancé is behaving in a very unsympathetic way. I don’t know why anyone would behave that towards someone they claim to love. Please don’t marry him unless he changes his attitude.

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  • Kyra says:

    First off, it was most certainly not your fault. Nobody asks for it. Don’t blame yourself. As much as you love your fiancé, I don’t think it would be a healthy relationship, and it probably isn’t a good idea to stay with him. If he isn’t supportive, and wanting to help you in any way, he doesn’t deserve you.