Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

everything feels mixed up

I found this site through google. I've been trying to find out about other girls who might have had similar things happen to them and tell me from an outsiders view because I just don't know whether I am a victim or not.

I feel all mixed up inside like I'm constantly battling with myself. My family and the police tell me I am a victim, and I know my ex did things to me that were wrong but he told me so many times that he loved me and was only doing it because he loved me so much.

And then people say its my fault because I let it happen and let him take over my life, but if I didn't do things he'd say that I didn't love him or threaten to kill himself.

I met him when I was 15. I was out with my new friends and got drunk for the first time and he was hanging around us. I didn't know he was older than me then but he said I was pretty and he liked my smile. I think we got into a relationship a week later and he told me he was 11 years older and had two children. I liked him so much, and he brought me nice things and said he loved me and that he'd never met anyone else like me before.

He started calling me every night to ask about my day to the point where I'd be up until 4 in the morning because he'd always come up with over really important things to talk about.

Then he'd ring in the morning and then told me to take my phone to school so he could ring me at lunch too because he wanted hear my voice so much. If I said I was busy or tired he'd get really upset and I felt this big urge to make him happy again.

I had to text him every 10 mins to let him know where I was and who I was with so he could know that I was safe, but if there were boys there he'd get really really angry and accuse me of cheating on him with them.

He said he didn't want me near any boys and if I had to I would have to leave school to get away from them. Because I knew one of his family, he would start coming over to the house telling my mum that he has messages for me or that returning stuff my friend had borrowed.

He did a couple of diy jobs for her and because of the bad weather would say to her he couldn't cycle back in that, so she'd invite him to stay. After she went to bed he'd text me and tell me to come downstairs so he could touch me while he watched tv.

She figured out what was going on and one day after he planned for us to go out she stopped us and hit me for being with him. He said it wasn't safe for me there anymore and I would have to move in with my father, turned out to only be a few streets away from him.

He started telling me I had to see him everyday or it meant I didn't love him anymore. I had to sneak out so that I could go to his house and do stuff. He'd give me secret phones and sim cards to keep on me at all times because by then the police and my dad were regularly combing through my normal phone for texts.

We planned secret routes and places where we could meet where no one would catch us. But it got really stressful and I didn't want to do it anymore but he said he would kill himself because he couldn't bear to be without me. They took me to a hospital and said I had depression and post traumatic stress disorder because i'd started self harming.

Then after that he'd be really rough with me when we'd meet and I'd go home with ripped clothes and bloody knickers and my dad would shout at me when he found them in the wash. But I was making him happy so I didn't mind.

Then, I turned 16 and a month later found out I was pregnant. I planned out my future and started looking at places to live and venues to get married in because at the time I just assumed he would be so happy when he found out because of how much he told me he loved me and we'd be together until the day we died.

I packed my bags and told my dad I was moving in with him and because I was 16 he couldn't stop me.

I got there and he wasn't happy. He said he wasn't expecting it and the house wasn't ready for people to live there. I told him I couldn't go back and he accepted it and let me in.

He was in debt with several companies and benefits so I had to stay in to make sure that no bailiffs got in and he would go out and nip messages.

He let my mum come once a week to see me but on the condition that I didn't bother with friends because I would only end up going off with lads anyway.

When I went into labour he didn't want me to go to hospital because he said the midwifes and doctors would just touch me down there and wouldn't help the baby and he was the only one that should touch me.

But my family came and took me and then afterwards I went back to the house to be a family. He started going on the computer alot and I found out he was messaging other girls some of them younger.

I would cry and try to leave but he'd shove me on the bed and pin me down until I promised I wouldn't leave. It started leaving bruising and then he'd start pushing me over in arguments and I couldn't keep doing it.

I had a Surestart outreach worker who had taught me how to look after my daughter so we secretly started going to meetings with housing people so I could get out. Once he took me upstairs when friends were round and tried to rape me but I said no and slapped him and left.

I had no housing set up so moved in with his mother but he still came round everyday to say sorry. Then a week later another girl was there in my place. I got a flat but he insisted on having a key so he could come round and do jobs for me and would come and check on me.

I eventually told him I wanted it back but he said he was only protecting his daughter because I was mostly likely letting men into the flat and sleeping with them and he wanted to make sure she was safe from them.

I told him no one had been there but he said I was a whore and always will be because I didn't say no when he met me and any self respecting girl would. I've had other people say this to me and I just feel like its all my fault and I caused all this to happen.

I am so sorry about the length, it all just spilled out. This is the first time I've ever told the full experience.


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5 thoughts on “everything feels mixed up

  • Sandra says:

    I’m so glad you have managed to get away from this man. Please believe me when I say that none of this was in any way your fault. You were a child, and he has deliberately manipulated and abused you right from the moment you met him. You have been through a dreadful experience and you have survived. You are a strong young woman, a real survivor. But it really might help you to talk to someone, in just the same way as it helped to pour out your thoughts and feelings in your post. There will be support services in your area for young people who have been abused like this. Please think about speaking to your Surestart worker again or another person you trust. You deserve to be treated with respect and to have a safe and secure life with your daughter. You’re a survivor, and I hope writing it all down has helped you to see what happened to you more clearly. Please talk to someone and get some support to recover from the awful things that have happened to you. With very best wishes and sending you hugs. Xxxxx

  • Mamiddau says:

    Hi, it sounds like you’ve been through a lot. You may not consider yourself a victim, and I think I’d agree, you’re a survivor, you survived being with an abusive man, and you got away. Reading your story though, I wonder if you need some support to understand how his behaviour, even when he was being nice and said he loved you, was abusive. Have you heard of the freedom program? They would help you see how much of what he did was wrong, and how you are not to blame for any of it. He made the choice to abuse you, and once you are in a relationship like that, it is so hard to change it. I think you are a strong and brave woman, who should be proud of the steps you took, protecting yourself and your daughter. I wish you both every happiness for the future x

  • SisterFriend says:

    I am sorry this predator manipulated & mistreated you.
    You are a survivor.
    He is a violent, manipulative rapist.
    Love is actions: doing good for each other; not hurting each other.
    Girls are told over & over that the frog or beast will be a prince if we are princess enough, if we love enough, if we give enough, if we sacrifice enough. It’s a mean trick played on little girls so that men can get away with being awful.
    Set the bar very high: it’s not good enough for someone to say they love you & not beat you; a relationship should always give you enough space to be happy with other people, be close enough to give you that warm glow & be gentle enough to lift your love for yourself higher.
    Find some support groups & counselling to help you work through it all.
    Love to you in sisterhood xxx

  • Admin says:

    Hi Anonymous.
    Thank you for sharing your experiences with us – we believe you.
    We do not believe you are to blame for your experiences, and we understand that you feel this way and do not judge you for it.
    Your post is very powerful and your anonymity is safe.
    If and when you would like support, there are services who can help. We list services on our website here – http://everydayvictimblaming.com/get-support/ or you can email us regarding finding support in your area – [email protected]

    Thank you so much for sharing your experience and we are here for when you are ready to get in touch x

  • Anonymous says:

    Thank you for your comments. It has given me a lot of food for thought. In the few days I have found 6 other women who has gone through roughly the same experience with my ex. They were either in the same situation as me under-age and then pregnant or were just viciously stalked and harassed. No one ever tried to seek support or report anything to the police and we think it was just purely out of the conditioning making us react instantly that we should protect him. We have now contacted the police as have now seen another pregnant young girl living there and don’t want this happening again and the police have said they will refer us for support and consuelling and stuff. Sometimes I feel like he still has a hold on me but since being able to write all this down and finding out that it just wasn’t me he did it too my head is becoming much clearer. Thanks.