Im so sick of having to beg, plead, or bleed to get help, do people think its easy to ask for help, trust me its not, i find it extremely hard, so much so that Im finding myself listening to the lies of the devil. (the devil being a very abusive man who i seem unable to escape).
i was told that asking for help is not a weakness, but it sure makes me feel weak, not only weak but defeated, and useless which if im being honest are not new things for me to be feeling, but they sure make it easier for me to fall back into the old me, whom i hate with a passion by the way, but shes so used to being hurt and let down that its easier to be her, than to be me.
From 14 years of age i learned many things, not things you should be learning at that age and my skill sets didn't exactly set me up to thrive in the real world, but its not all bad, i can clean a house and feel confident that you will never find a spec of dust, i can cook fairly well, i have immense patience and i enjoy learning, all things that to a simple mind you could look at and say yeah she seems okay, no reason she couldn't find a job, be in a relationship, have friends, or to even enjoy life, but if people bothered to look a little closer at her, they would see that the reason she could clean a house so well is because she was so terrified that when the devil would come home he would find something out of place, or dirt somewhere that she'd get punched or kicked, so she'd spend every minute she could cleaning around, underneath and on top of everything all day, every day. (actually, there was a time that she got so paranoid about cleaning she started using domestos bleach to clean everything including all the wood furniture, which resulted in the wood becoming stripped and sticky, i remember that because the scar i have on my forehead well more like a dent that reminds me constantly of the several beatings i got because of this incident.
she learned to cook, well it was either that or starve, at 14 she wasn't to hot on the cooking front, and the devil was sweet at first, laughed it off when the food was bad, told her how it was a good effort, but that didn't last long, he started screaming at her, told her she was a stupid,and a worthless whore, how she was wasting his money on good food for her to fuck up, just like she fucked up everything. at times she had plates threw at her, sometimes he ignored her for days at a time, i don't mean just stopped speaking to her, i mean he would act like she never existed, she would make him breakfast, and he wouldn't even look at it, but then he'd go and make the exact same thing then sit down and eat it, once she stupidly decided that if he wasn't eating or drinking anything she made why bother, so she made enough dinner for both of them but only served out her own, that evening he beat her, fucked her and beat her again, this i think helped to teach her patience, as well as decent cooking abilities, and although she has learned that she is not pure evil, is not all the mean things he calls her and tell her about herself, she also learned for to many years how to take a beating and not cry, how to lay down and allow the devil to hurt her and do terrible things to her and only cry on the inside, she learned how say IM FINE, and make people believe her, (by the way, did you know im fine stands for.... FEELING INSANE, NEUROTIC AND EMPTY. think about that the next time someone tells you there fine) she learned how to stay quiet, anticipate the impossible, and follow instructions without diverting, after years and years learning as much as she could feeling less than nothing shes at a stand still, this is because for the last few years some people have told her that this is not the right way to be living, that even a dog deserves basic rights, and the sad thing is, she started to believe some of those things, which has in fact now made life that much harder to live, its easier to take a beating when you feel like a nothing, its easier to be fucked when you feel like your a whore, you ever hear the saying better the devil you know, than the devil you don't, well that's where i am right now, the government expect me to sit down and discuss why i should not have my benefits cut due to the new rape clause, I'll go without thank you, to have benefits stopped because the thought of going into town to the job center where the devil works sends me insane, so I'll go without thank you, but i just wanted to say that not everything is black and white, and when you lived a life like mine for almost 25 years don't think its easy to ask for help, let alone beg for it, i am now in a place where i have to take medication to sleep, to be awake and not want to die, to not want to slice myself up every time i have to make a decision, to be around people,or to be out of my routine. im not a lazy person, or a dosser, i just needed help for myself and my kids, all i want is to feel safe, and know that my kids are happy, is that too much, am i being selfish, may be i am, i don't know anymore, but what i do know is, i done begging, I'll do what i have to do to get by, i can live two different lives, but the point is........ WHY SHOULD I HAVE TOO! IM SO DONE FEELING LIKE I HAVE TO SHAME AND EXPLAIN MYSELF TO GET HELP, IVE BEEN SHAMED ENOUGH OVER THE YEARS, I DON'T EVER REGRET MEETING AND HAVING BEEN ADVISED BY SOME WONDERFUL STRONG WOMEN, BUT THE REALITY IS, WHEN YOU HELP TRY TO CHANGE THE PERCEPTION THEY HAVE DEVELOPED OF THEMSELVES DUE TO RAPE, ABUSE AND VIOLENCE THROUGH COUNSELING ETC, OTHER THINGS NEED TO BE PUT IN PLACE TO HELP SUSTAIN THAT SO THAT WE DON'T FEEL THE NEED TO KEEP VIOLENT DEVILS AS AN OPTION, OR SOMEONE THEY NEED TO GO BACK TO WHEN AGENCIES THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO HELP THROW THEM THROUGH THE CRACKS.
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