Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

drug rape (content note)

At the age of 24 my marriage of 7 years was over. Left with three children, life ahead looked challenging. I had to give up my evening job due to childcare issues so when a friend told me a work college had asked about me an wanted to see me I was flattered. I had no family or other friends to help babysit so I agreed to a date at my home. I'd met the guy once or twice an had no reason to worry. That night I got ready, put my kids to bed an eagerly anticipated my dates arrival. When he arrived I felt a little nervous an accepted his offer of wine he had brought. I switched on the sterio an began to relax with idle chit chat with my guest. I suddenly thought I heard voices in my flat, panic raising my heart beat I asked my guest for confirmation of the noise. He didn't alley my fears or confirm them so I worried even more. I decided to ask him to leave as my fear increased. As we proceed down my hall he said he heard noises outside my front door. I was so frightened by that point I begged him not to open the door, scared what lay on the other side. I begged him not to leave me, not to open the door I was so afraid. The next things I remember are sketch an fragmented memories of him removing my clothes, forcing me to the bed an penetrating my vaginas. I was in pain but couldn't speak move or get free. I don't know how long he spent, I don't know when he left. I know he left behind fear and pain. When I woke the next morning It took a few seconds for me to gather my thoughts an to take in what had happened. I felt pain an bruised around my vagina, found used condom of my bedroom floor an empty white paper pieces next to a empty glass. I knew no - one would believe my story. After all hadn't I begged him to stay, I had let him in, I had drank a glass of wine so it was my fault. These are the things that stopped me reporting to police I knew I was to blame. Well that was more than 25 years ago. I had a terrible time with nightmares, flash backs and trying to normalise my rape with frequent Sexual partners an risk taking. Many years on I began to read about abuse and violence an discovered books that named my experience as RAPE. It's taken a long while struggling to live with the survivor or victim labels. I hated the fact he changed me an my life for a long while until I realised after a long period of therapy that I was not to blame for what happened. That when the rapist left that room that night he left behind a shadow of fear and changed how I saw life and people. At 46 I am blessed to have fought to live on through the pain of rape. I have a qualification in counselling an helped victims of domestic violence & intimate Sexual violence for three years. I now train staff to recognise domestic abuse. I continue to pass on the message that abuse is wrong and the victims are never to blame. Everything I do is personal & professional as my life has been shaped by many other negative experiences but it has been how I have moved forward and over come these experiences that defines me as a fighter.


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