Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Boyfriend is blaming me

I just don't know what to do! I have a long history of sexual abuse.. It happened for years through childhood, I was raped freshman year of college and then raped again about a month ago. I was drunk and at a bar with my boyfriend and some of his friends. My boyfriend and I got in a fight and left me at the bar, so his friends brought me home with them. One of the guys offered his bed to me, saying he would stay on the couch. In my drunken state, I thought it sounded good. I woke up to this guy raping me...violently. The next day, I told my boyfriend and he initially said he believed me. now, a month later, we are having a lot of issues around this. he says he is having a hard time trusting me and believing that I wasn't asking for it. Since the attack, I have had a very difficult time being intimate with him and he is also very angry about this saying that I was able to be intimate with someone else, why can't i be intimate with him. This just angers me! Should i break up with him? how can I convey it's not my fault? I don't know what to do


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4 thoughts on “Boyfriend is blaming me

  • Sisterhood (@sisterhooduk) says:

    My view is dump him. You do not need a man like this in your life. Someone, one of his friends, raped you and he says it’s your fault. How? Did you say to this repist “I’ve a great idea, I’m drunk, can barely stand up, upset and vulnerable because I’ve had an argument with my fella, wouldn’t it be a great idea if you took this opportunity to rape me?” and he agreed. I doubt it, and even if you had, given that you were too drunk to consent he should have put you to bed and left you alone. Walk away from the boyfriend, if you have the courage and strength report the rape to the police. Then put it behind you and move on with your life.

  • Redskies says:

    I believe you. You have done nothing wrong and this is not your fault, it is the fault of the rapist who abused you and abused your trust.

    Your boyfriend is wrong in so many ways. You weren’t “intimate” with someone else, you were raped by a rapist. You weren’t asking to be raped, you were not at fault in any way. You did nothing wrong and have nothing to feel guilty about.

    And if you are having difficulties being intimate with your boyfriend, he does not get to pressure you into doing anything you are uncomfortable about.

    Right now, you are the most important person in all this. Not your boyfriend. You. You have had an awful thing done to you. So you must put yourself first, for once. When you feel able to, I recommend you talk to your local rape helpline. They will help support you and you can talk through any issues including those you are having with your boyfriend. In the mean time, be kind to yourself and do whatever you need to do to deal with what has been done to you, emotionally and physically.

    Only you know whether the relationship with your boyfriend is worth continuing. But if it is, he needs to realise that this isn’t about him, it’s about what his “friend” did to you and the consequences of that for you. He needs to stop making it all about his wants and needs, and start making it about yours for a while.

    I wish you all the best.

  • Lisa says:

    It’s good to hear you are so clear that it wasn’t your fault and your boyfriend’s attitude angers you – good on you for refusing to accept the blame for what sounds like a horrific assault from someone you trusted. I wouldn’t dream of telling you what to do other than to continue to trust yourself. What happened to you was not ‘intimate’ it was a violent crime and you shouldn’t have to persuade anyone that it wasn’t your fault. Take really good care of yourself and remember there is support available if you need it

  • Lisa says:

    Dear Ashley,

    I believe you and none of this situation is your doing. The responsibility for this lies at the hands of the man who chose to commit a terrible crime against you and I’m so sorry that happened and that those you most needed to support you have failed in that.

    Your boyfriend might be following a society wide tradition of blaming victims rather than accepting that all of the responsibility lies with his “friend” and that is not your fault or your responsibility to put right. Sadly many believe all rapists are alien like monsters and therefore have trouble believing anyone they know could be one. However, this is not the case – his friend raped you and it is his friend he should be laying the responsibility with and taking to task. It is not your responsibility to continually find new ways to protest your innocence. You did nothing wrong and if he refuses to support you at this time when you most need him and to lay the blame with the criminal then he should be utterly ashamed of himself.

    Only you can decide if this man deserves your love ultimately, but I would have real concerns about any close friend of mine in such a relationship where consent is not understood nor lack of consent accepted as rape. So much love to you. I truly hope you have some real friends holding you. xxxx