Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Boyfriend believe rape was my fault

My boyfriend broke up with me and I was really lost and depressed. I was going out a lot with friends or family to keep myself distracted. One of my girlfriends was very happy I was single and took me under her wing. I knew she wasnt a great friend I could rely on but she was always around and fun to hang out with and she is my oldest friend ever so I had some basic trust in her. I was wrobg to trust her. She wanted me over my ex for her own selfish reason and took me out one night and tried to get me to hook up with her boyfriends friend. I made it clear I wasnt interested. But without my knowledge she had told him that I was and to try talking to me. I turned him down but was still friendly considering I knew I'd probably see him around. Later that night she told me we were going to smoke and we were going to this kids house. I was really drunk at that point and had no other ride. We smoked amd chilled for a bit and she took me aside to ask if i was going to hook up woth him and i said no thanks not interested. It was the 4 of us, her and her bf and me n this kid. She set it all up prob thinking id go woth it. I go to the bathroom and she had gone. I was really messed up from the drugs they gave me as I dont think it was weed like they told me. He kept asking if i was ok and i kept saying no. The night was a blur but he raped me and i only remember bits and pieces. I remember it hurt and feeling helpless and ashamed and grossed out.

About a month later my ex randomly showed up back in my life wanting me back and saying all the things I had always wanted to hear. Things were going well until eventually he found out about the rape and he immediately assumed I must have made it up cuz I was out whoring myself out. I lied to him about it at first which was wrong but i wasnt ready to talk about it. He has come around since then but he still will randomly get angry and blames it on me. He thinks it was my fault cuz i was acting reckless and wasnt being careful which Is partially true. But the fact is that I was raped. I did not consent and couldnt even move to make him stop. He calls me a whore when he gets into his anger outbursts and he says that must be how I am when I'm single. He also stopped trusting me and its been a nightmare dealing with it. I get that he is hurt by it but he asks me things like if i enjoyed it and it makes my skin crawl to even think about it. He claims that i am either a whore or i cant be trusted ever if im drunk because i might cheat. Mind you i've actually never cheated in my life and take my relationships seriously. I feel like he is punishing me. He has been cheated on in the past and i feel like it may be bringing up those old feelings. How can i get him to understand? Can he ever accept this and stop judging me? We just started couples therapy last week and I am hoping to bring this issue up soon. Its hard enough healing from the rape but to have it tear us apart is breaking my heart. He truly loves me. Can he ever accept this for what it is and be on my side?

 

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21 thoughts on “Boyfriend believe rape was my fault

  • Corine says:

    It is not your fault. You carry no blame.

    The person who loves you is supposed to support you, to believe you, to take your side.

    I hope you can find the strength to see that someone who truly loves you would not judge you in this way or call you names and accuse you.

    It is not your fault. You carry no blame.

    It is not your fault. You carry no blame.

    It is absolutely not your fault.

  • Admin says:

    I’m very sorry that your boyfriend blames you for being raped. He is wrong. There is NOTHING you did that makes you in anyway responsible for being raped. The only responsible person is the perpetrator.

    Your boyfriend’s behaviour is emotionally abusive. You are NOT a whore and you are NOT responsible for his anger. Asking if you enjoyed the rape is meant to hurt you. Telling you he can’t trust you because you might ‘cheat’ is abusive behaviour. Conflating rape with cheating is abusive behaviour.

    We believe you and we know it is not your fault. Your boyfriend is wrong and his behaviour is wrong. Please get in touch with one of the organizations below to help you.

    And, remember, you are NOT to blame.

    Rape Crisis: 0808 802 9999
    Woman’s Aid & Refuge Helpline: 0808 2000 247

    • Gay Mustangs says:

      He is truly NOT a friend of urs, to lack compassion for what u endured personally, through NO fault of ur own. There is a war on Women..so PLEASE.. Don’t whip urself because of their cruelty!! You are a Good and Beautiful Woman..remember that!!! <3

  • Natasha says:

    I have an abusive relationship the piece of shit said the same thing to me! He was angry fufious sboug mh past rape hd said ‘how do I know how many other people you have slept with!’ Disgusting person. He also said I could destroy that boys life by reporting him! He was a psychopath at the age of 21/2.

  • Heather Downs says:

    oh, you poor thing; you have been so badly let down by all those people.
    you did nothing to cause it; you couldn’t control it.
    get all those toxic people out of your life and get some support and maybe counselling
    best wishes xx

  • Sadie says:

    It is not ok for anyone to blame you for being raped. It is never the victim’s fault, and always the choice of the person who did this to you. Your ‘friend’ treated you very badly and participated in putting you in danger by lying to you about the drugs they gave you. She is no friend to anyone. I would really urge you to get some professional help so that you can get strong, before you get back into a relationship with a man. Your boyfriend’s behaviour is childish, selfish and unfair to you and it really won’t help you. You deserve support, love and people around you who understand. You have done nothing wrong and no-one has the right to get you to talk about it when you are not ready, and certainly anyone who blames you needs to go. You are so brave for writing here, and I hope you continue to reach out for positive, supportive help. I believe you and send you a hug.

    • Luna Marie says:

      These comments have been so helpful and uplifting. Thank you to everyone’s kind words and thoughtfulness. It feels really good to have some support. Thank you so much.

  • natalie says:

    I am so sorry for what has happened to you, you did not deserve that, no one does, and more than that you do not deserve to be abused, you are in no way a whore, in fact you are a very strong person to have even survived what you have been through.
    support is a massive help when you have been raped or abused, and i hope you do access that, but please remember, you are not at fault, only the perpetrator is, anyone that tells you otherwise is wrong, you survived, you are strong, you deserve to heal, you are not to blame.
    take care. x

  • Katie says:

    Your boyfriend is mistaken, and naive – if YOU were raped, that’s NOT your fault.

    When someone gets raped, the responsibility is not the victim’s behaviour, outfit, drunkenness or friends, it is entirely on the person who committed rape.

    They were of sound mind and body and they knew what they were doing.

    If you get robbed, the police don’t say it’s your fault. It’s the same with rape.

    DON’T LET ANYONE CONVINCE YOU IT’S YOUR FAULT, because that, my friend, is BULL.SHIT.

    I hope you get through this difficult time, sister. xxxxx

  • Catherine says:

    Your boyfriend does not ‘truly love you’. Even if it was consensual (I know it wasn’t and it is not your fault) he has not right to shame you. He is being emotionally abusive as said before. I really hope you find the strength to leave this idiot and forgive yourself for what happened. It was not your fault. Please get some counselling to help you.

  • That’s so unfair. And, unless your boyfriend has never, ever got drunk with his friends, hypocritical.

    He shouldn’t blame you. He should blame the rapist. And probably your “friend” and her boyfriend for not protecting you.

  • Jenny says:

    I really feel for you having been through something similar myself, eventually I found a way out of the shaming and blaming company of such abusive people and believe me when I say there are people out there who are on your side.
    You are worth better than this, better than them, all of them.

  • Susie says:

    Please believe me that none of this is your fault.

    You have been through an horrendous ordeal and deserve love and support. Please reach out for help to Rape Crisis, Women’s Aid or a trusted friend or family member.

    Your boyfriend is a very selfish and nasty piece of work. His past experiences are no excuse for accusing you like this. How dare he blame you for being a victim of rape?

    I hope you can find the support you need during this difficult time.
    Sending much love xx

  • Louise says:

    It was NOT your fault. The only fault and blame lies with the man who raped you.

    You got drunk. You didn’t ask to be raped.

    You took drugs. You didn’t ask to be raped.

    You have friends who don’t always act in your best interests. You didn’t ask to be set up for rape.

    Your boyfriend sounds a dick. You deserve so much better.

    It was absolutely NOT YOUR FAULT.

    Stop apologising for being raped…Nothing you did, nothing you wore caused you to be raped.

    THE MAN WHO RAPED YOU IS THE ONLY PERSON WHO SHOULD FEEL ANY GUILT OR REMORSE. He should be in jail.

    Good luck in the future. Please take some time to speak to Rape Crisis or another specialist service….get some support.

  • Emily says:

    You are in no way to blame. My heart goes out to you so very much. Your boyfriend is treating you terribly and only considering his own feelings. He is not seeing the reality of the situation at all and frankly you deserve all the support in the world right now. It is not your fault! Please remember this. Xxxxx

  • Suzi says:

    It’s not your fault and your boyfriend’s behaviour and comments are totally out of order. If he cannot be supportive instead of abusive then he should go away. You need support not abuse. Once again, it was not your fault.

  • Lynda says:

    Hi my heart goes out to you. Rape is never the victims fault it is always the perpetrators fault and always should be put back in to the perpetrators hand. You are never a whore because of being raped nobody deserves to be called unkind horrible names because someone else violated your body. Your boyfriend does not deserve a lovely young women like you. No means no and even you had drink and drugs in your system you still don’t have the capacity to know fully what has happened to you. The young lady did not have the right to say to this young man that you were interested in him when you were not and should have been more supported to you in your friendship and respected you when you said no. I know the pain fully well when are bodies are violated and boundaries are overstepped by another human being. I do think that you need some support to talk about what has happened and able to process the pain that you are going through. Do you need someone in your life is always going to put you down and make cruel comments about your experience. As a survivor of abuse/domestic abuse for years I carried around with me that I was worthless human being and always wanted others approval but it cost me a lot of happiness and a lot of heartache now I want more is for healthier relationships that we work to empower and enrich ourselves and others lives. You don’t know it yet you wrote your story on here your strong and beautiful and know that what ever unkind words others say you know that your a worthwhile person. It has taken me years to see that, through my own journey but we all do it in our own time and in our own way. For me baby steps each day and except that RAPE is never the victims fault but the perpetrators. Some days are good some days are bad but this is a journey that we all go through to learn to except our pain and own our pain. Please see that you will have a roller coast of emotions and it will be helpful to see someone who works with rape victims and will help you. All I can say that your the one in control to see what happens next, what you want to do in your life. Don’t let others decide for you or put you down think how amazing and wonderful human being you are and that you can and will get through this and it will get better. I send you my love and hugs to you take care

  • Jo says:

    Years ago I went through something similar and it took years to put the blame where it rightfully belongs, with the man who raped me. Logically that’s easy to understand, but emotionally I blamed myself, because that’s what women are taught to do. I understand that at a low point you might want to turn to someone you know, but you deserve to be believed and supported. Please remember what happened wasn’t your fault, and I believe you. We believe you.

  • McKenzie says:

    It is never EVER your fault. Please never think that in any way, shape or form, that you are to blame for this, because you are not. Your boyfriend is completely wrong, he is trying to blame you for something that you had no control over. And please, please, do not think you are a whore either, because you’re not.

  • Eric says:

    This is NOT your fault. Your boyfriend clearly doesn’t understand and needs to educate himself. You are a victim. Do not blame yourself for anything… Including any problems you’re having with your boyfriend about this. It took immense courage for you to write this letter and I commend you. Sharing your experience will potentially help a woman from avoid being a victim of rape. Take solace and strength knowing that. Stay strong and know you have the support of numerous people around the world.

  • Laura says:

    The only person responsible for your rape is your rapist. Your so called friend put you in a very dangerous and difficult situation but still, the only person responsible for your rape is your rapist.
    I’m sorry to say this, as you are clearly very deeply attached to your boyfriend, but he is not just insensitive. He is being manipulative. He walked out on you and left you devastated and vulnerable, then he comes back and says ‘all the things you had always wanted to hear’. This is a classic strategy to make you dependant on him and to make you want to please him. He then insults you, belittles your experience and makes you feel not good enough. This makes you want to please him even more and want to try anything to make the relationship work. He has you right where he wants you. Any man who behaves like this is deeply insecure and only happy if he feels he holds all the power in a relationship. Please think seriously about this, you deserve better.
    Get help from a rape crisis service if you possibly can, you are still traumatised and need support. Stay as far away as possible from your so called friend and remember……..

    The only person responsible for your rape is your rapist.