Blaming and shaming
I was physically assaulted for the first time when I was 4, by my father. My most recent assault happened last summer. My boyfriends friend cornered me and sexually assaulted me at a Memorial Day party. I've had 2 separate boyfriends attack me, and one of those was severe. I couldn't walk for two days after the first attack, and was subsequently held against my will and raped with threat of further violence if I didn't give in. I've been blamed for every.single.attack. By my mother, friends, other family members, the sister of my ex's new girl friend, my current boyfriend and even police on one occasion. Even had an uncle explain to me that it's because of testosterone that I got attacked but I need to learn how to deal with it. I have been working with a professional who helps me with the mental and emotional aftermath of all of this- but my PTSD is severe and I feel revictimized constantly. Besides the therapist I have to pay, only my older sister says she believes me and that she loves and supports me no matter what. However, she and I don't live close and have had a difficult past. We were both victims of our father, but she left to go to away school and never really moved back to our parents house, even on breaks and vacations. No matter what, I get blamed, and it makes me so angry, especially at the people in my life who I feel like were supposed to protect or ATLEAST try be comforting. I read an article about victim blaming before writing this, and it talked about how people who victim blame can't handle the thought that bad things happen to good people, they blame victims to comfort themselves. "That would never happen to me because x-y-z because I'm not like that". They believe more careful, or moral, or likable, and so on. I know I'm isolating myself because I've let go of every relationship/friendship where they defended the perpetrator and blamed me. But I'd rather be alone than be revictimized by people I cared about. I often get stuck in "why?". Why do these things happen? Wasn't I nice and generous? Wasn't I just a little girl? Wasn't I just a designated driver waiting for my boyfriend? Aren't I just someone who deserves peace? So many people have told me it's because I bad or I've done something bad. But there is NOTHING I could have done differently in these instances to prevent an attack. No amount of being nice saved me ever.
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