Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

An abusive man

I was sexually assaulted by an ex boyfriend.

It happened 2 times. I had never experienced something like that before so I didn t even know it was possible. After all we were planning to get married, and when i was starting to back out he started getting all sweet at first, then manipulative and agressive, then sexually abusive.

I should have seen it coming ..is what i told myself. i should have stopped earlier.
But now I realize that it was not my fault. I did not ask to be abused, nor in an intimate sexual way, where I opened myself up to trust the person. after it happened i was so mad and felt so betrayed that i was thinking of cutting the guy's penis off ..at least theoretically, because in practice i knew i would not have.

I felt so guilty after that, thinking it was my fault.

i had at first consented to sex, so he was sneaky, because he waited for the consent. then near the end, he became very violent as we were having sex and i was confused. mainly because yes, i had consented, but i had not consented to that kind of violent sex. it felt like abuse. And i told him so. Then he said: how about you punch me so it feels like we are even. This means he knowingly did the abuse, he admitted that he was abusive sexually. but punching him in the arm didn't heal the scars. NOr did it get me any feeling of equality.
He had a really weird relationship with his mother, he was deathly afraid of her for some reason. And probably really angry at her. And one day he thought his mom was coming over, and that she was parked just outside his house. we were having sex at the time, and he completely changed attitude and behavior, becoming violent and sexually abusive while he was on top of me. I was so shocked by that behavior I didn t know what to do, what to make of it. I waited until he came then went downstairs to peel vegetables for a soup. I felt numb, like i was in a haze. And I was just chopping veggies almost in a robotic fashion, not knowing what it meant to feel numb. NOw I know. NOw I m finally ready to feel feelings that I was not allowing or ready to experience. Shame, guilt, sadness, loss.. it was such a betrayal to have someone I cared about and especially to told me "I love you" all the time, every day even, who pretended to be a Christian and prayed with me do this !

Now i feel like i can trust no one. Except myself and God.

This abuser pretended to do so much and to be all that I want except their real selves.

 

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One thought on “An abusive man

  • K says:

    First of all, I’m so sorry to hear that this has happened to you and I believe you.

    Consent CAN be revoked/withdrawn no matter what anyone else says. I also experienced a similar assault to yours in that being consent was withdrawn.

    You are brave for coming out like this. You are strong as well. It takes a lot of strength to say what you have just said. You have choices as well. Am I right in thinking that you have now gotten away from this abuser? That was a choice and the right one too.

    Things will get better, the quicker you accept your emotions the quicker you can begin to move on and learn to trust again.

    What has worked for me:

    Counselling, coming out to my parents and a few close friends. It helps you breathe again. I understand that these may not work for you. But please take care of yourself. Exercising is great because it release oxytocin, the happy hormone :) Plus it’ll channel any anger you’re experiencing.

    And just to make you feel that bit more human.

    Any emotions that you feel are completely normal.

    Sending love from one survivor to another.

    You are strong brave woman and you will beat this.