Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Advice needed – should he be upset with with me?

I went over to visit my cousins for the weekend and we all drank and partied together. My cousins boyfriend saw that I was incredibly drunk and looked at his brother and told him this was his opportunity and to take advantage of it now because he's a virgin.

Long story short everyone at the party is laughing about and forces his brothers pants off and pulls my hands onto grabbing his brother's penis. He tried to force me to give him a handjob and I smacked him right across the face and they let me go.

They were all just laughing and my cousin didn't do anything about it and later blamed me as if it were my fault that I grabbed it. Her boyfriend blamed me for grabbing it too (the next morning). I was so confused on the stories they told me and later found out by his step brother that they lied to me on what really happened.

My cousin's boyfriend blamed me and called me a bitch and argued with me about joking and that I shouldn't be angry because I touched his brothers penis even though I was forced into it and I was so drunk I was practically passed out.

I told my boyfriend the story and he's calling me a cheater and he blames me for getting drunk because had I not drank it would not have happened. I'm severely traumatized by this entire experience because when I was little I was sexually abused/assaulted by my sisters godfather and I never told anyone because I was scared noone would believe me.

Last year I guess her godfather tried the same thing on her and my sister told my mom immediately. Which is when I finally confessed he sexually touched me without my consent and would come over my house all the time to see me.

I just feel hurt that my boyfriend keeps blaming me and I regret drinking but at the same time when I was little I was sober obviously and it still happened. My boyfriend is giving me the cold shoulder and isn't even acting like he loves me at the moment because he's mad that I went against what he said and drank.

It's not like I'm an alcoholic. I rarely ever drink. And after 2 nights ago I don't ever want to drink again.

Please help me and I need advice because I don't know what to do. My family keeps telling me "family is family". But this is just traumatizing. Sexually assaulted and than blamed.

And than I remember why I never tell anyone these things because getting blamed and nobody believing me is the worst feeling in the world. I already feel dirty because of what happened, and my boyfriend being upset with me isn't making me feel any better because he believes its my fault since I drank.

I really don't want to break up with him because I truly believe he's my soulmate but he's not even taking into consideration how I feel about this.

He just sees it as me cheating. Is this my fault? Should he be upset with me?


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10 thoughts on “Advice needed – should he be upset with with me?

  • Sandra says:

    Hello and thanks for sharing this. No you were not to blame. Yes you were drunk and you a sexual joke. The end. That does not give those people the right to assault both you and your cousin. They are blaming you to deflect responsibility from themselves. Your boyfriend should certainly be angry- but not with you with the people who have abused you.

    Family is everything? Respect and love for family members is a two way street. You have been abused as a child, and now as an adult. You are not to blame. Please do contact your local sexual abuse support agency for some support. Xxx

  • Phillip A Pritchard says:

    They as a group conspired to assault you
    They as a group are now conspiring to blame you for that assault
    You are the victim
    You are not to blame

    If they see this behaviour as ‘normal’ and ‘a joke’, they have a very twisted view of normality and humour. It is not normal and it is not funny

    The issue of you drinking is no issue at all. It’s at best a smoke screen, another way of diverting blame. Drunk or sober the victim of assault is the victim of assault and nothing else is of consequence.

    I do not feel qualified to comment further other than to say you perhaps need to think through what you mean by ‘soulmate’?

    Whatever else you do remember YOU are the victim and THEY are to blame.

    Stay strong and I wish you well

  • You are not to blame.

    You are a victim of sexual assault.

    It is not your fault because you had been drinking alcohol.

    It is the fault of those who sexually assaulted you.

    You are being blamed because they all know what they did was sexual assault and they are desperately trying to deflect blame.

    You did NOTHING wrong.

    I’m very sorry that your boyfriend is not supporting you. He is wrong about this being your fault and he is being tremendously unkind in blaming you. He has no right to say that it is your fault.

    We are here if you need us for anything. x

  • Lucy says:

    I am so sorry you went through this and have had to cope with being treated like this as a result. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. The people who were at the party are clearly blaming you because in the cold light of day they. deep down. know their behaviour is wrong but cannot cope with it and so it is easier to force the blame onto you.

    Have you considered writing your boyfriend a latter and detailing to him your history, outlining what happened at the party and making it clear to him the hurt it, and he,is causing you now? I hope your boyfriend can understand that you would not smack someone in the face during a consensual act. That’s not to say all sexual assaults include self-defence, but when they do it takes someone willfully misunderstanding not to realise you didn’t want this. If he says it is your own fault simply because you got drunk he needs a crash course in victim blaming. You could have gotten drunk and run around naked and it still wouldn’t have been your fault. NO ONE has the right to touch you or make you touch others in a way that you have not consented to.

    I hate to say it but if you’re boyfriend cannot find his way to supporting you once you try this then I would suggest you need to seriously reconsider your relationship. Our partners should be there as an anchor for us, but anyone who victim blames is abusive and also enabling sexual abuse in society as a whole.

    For immediate, although unfortunately not long term support or if you wish to press charges, your local SARC can help you through the system, you can find them through putting your post code in here http://www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Rape-and-sexual-assault-referral-centres/LocationSearch/364

    I wish you all the best. x

  • Heather Downs says:

    You are absolutely right when you say you were sexually assaulted, then blamed. That was traumatising. You have done nothing wrong, whether you were drunk or sober. Everyone you mention has behaved badly and treated you appallingly.

    You must not blame yourself at all.

    Read what people on here have said.

    Best wishes

  • Redskies says:

    I belive you. I am so sorry this was done to you. You were somewhere you believed you were safe and having a good time. Then:

    Your cousin’s boyfriend makes a sexual joke at your expense.

    The people at the party sexually assaulted you by forcing your hands onto the cousin’s boyfriends brother’s penis.

    The cousin’s boyfriend’s brother sexually assaults you by trying to force you to give him a handjob.

    You manage to stop their assault of you at this stage by slapping someone in self-defence.

    I will repeat the previous comment. You did NOTHING wrong.

    Your boyfriend is reacting how he has been taught by society to react, by blaming you, the victim, instead of your attackers. I am sorry that he doesn’t understand. Maybe he can break that learned habit, be a decent human being about this and understand where the blame truly lies. Only you know whether you think it is worth trying to educate him.

  • The Mumsnet feminist board can be a safe space for discussing your sexual assault if you would like further support : http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights

  • Christi says:

    Completely agree with what others have written. You were sexually assaulted and they are blaming you to detract from their wrongdoings. You did nothing wrong and we believe you.

    Your boyfriend needs to stop blaming and start supporting you. If he can’t do that, then as Lucy says perhaps considering your options in that department would be something you need to do.

    I hope you are OK and I’m so sorry this happened to you x

  • Lori says:

    Lets rewind this to the beginning. What was the crime? I think it was the touching right? It seems to me that the forced touching required assistance and you were not the initiator. Blame is a strange game – it never solves anything. Either you’re part of the problem or part of the solution. It sounds to me like nothing would have transpired had they left you be but they were up to mischief and created this situation. Of course they don’t want to be held responsible that would involve maturity and respect which they lack here.

    As for the boyfriend he is showing you who he is and what you can expect in the future. How is he meeting your emotional needs? Is he on your side? Will he protect you when the time comes? What does this tell you about his view of women? Does he meet and exceed your expectations as a partner as it pertains to these important issues?

  • Ann says:

    Family is as family does, and this cousin and her boyfriend did not treat you as family. You are not to blame. You did the right thing – you defended yourself. You could be a role model, and I am serious about that.

    Your boyfriend needs to direct his anger at the people really at fault. If he hasn’t come around by now, or if he escalates his blaming behavior, or if he hangs on to it and throws it in your face when you have disagreements, you need to end it. Take that with a grain of salt as the opinion of a stranger online, but I’d be dishonest if I said anything less.

    A soulmate supports you, believes you, respects you. Your boyfriend should be in awe of how you fended off a sexual assault. It should confirm for him that you’re true to him. If this does not describe him, how can he be a soulmate?