Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

abused by dad.

When I was very young, i remember Dad in the bath and getting me to touch his willy when it popped up - but I thought it was funny - and knew no better..tho he did say not to tell mum as it was a secret..when I was a bit older, Dad used to come into my room and would rub vaseline into my front area - so that it wouldnt get sore. Basically a carry on from Mum changing my nappy I would imagine so probably thought it was normal?! This carried on, not everynight - in fact randomly - I remember the last time when I was a teenager. Mum was out shopping, Dad called me into his room and said that as I was going pony riding, he should make sure I didn't get sore. So, I laid down and he pulled my trousers down but not right off - he had a glob of vaseline on his finger tips and told me to close my eyes. It felt quite nice. He told me to open my eyes which I did and he was poking me with his tongue. Then I remember we heard the garage doors open and Dad sprung up and said "quick, mums back, dont say a word or mum will divorce me and we'll lose the house.." Then I remember him saying "I cant do that anymore - not until you're older"

Dad was EVERSO jealous of any boyfriend I had - note the word "had" as after Dad had scared them off.........he was dreadful and would stalk me and allsorts if I went out - so embarrassing too - his behaviour made me really cross and angry with him. So I sort of rebelled and used to stay out a lot and forgot or blocked out things.

Much later on in years, after two divorces, I was with Dad - we had been out and had luckily missed the traffic on the way home and had got back to Dad's earlier than planned. Dad offered me a sandwich as I'd done all the driving in his car - before making the sandwich, He gave me some red wine in a glass...he came into his front room holding a bottle and a glass that he'd poured some into and said "tell me what you think? - can you smell the fruits in it?" Then I remember him asking me a question about my Mums new boyfriend and me thinking "oh my god, my mouth feels all funny, he's given me a truth drug to spill the beans about mum" And my mouth did feel weird, like I'd had an injection at the dentist. several injections.

The next thing I remember is sitting on Dad's sofa and him making that sandwich as I hadn't eaten and a cup of tea before I went home. I remember him saying "I want you to take your trousers off and fold them up and put them on the arm of the settee" and I found myself doing this like I was a robot. Then the same with my knickers. He came in the front room holding a cup and saucer in one hand and a plate with a sandwich on another plate.
Then he performed oral sex on me. The next thing I remember clearly, was kissing Dad goodbye and him telling me to take care driving back and to call him when I did. I remember smelling the strange smell on Dad's face too.

When I had collected my kids from Mums i was telling my brother of Dad's face smelling like "fanny's" and I couldn't think that he'd been off with any ladies that day.....and I also told him about the drink that Dad gave me which made my mouth feel weird......but THEN I didn't remember the middle bit.

I keep having strange flashbacks....and then think about them and think "oh my god....that did happen"

...I feel disgusted and ashamed and also shocked everytime another link appears in my memory. I cant tell anyone.

 

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2 thoughts on “abused by dad.

  • Juliet says:

    You poor woman. You are utterly innocent in this. You have been manipulated, coerced and drugged. Had any other woman been in your place, the exact same thing would have happened to them, as it was all your father, and nothing at all to do with you, the victim. There are people who can help and many other people to whom this has happened. There must be no shame, just the same as if he’d held your hand down and stabbed it. The shame is all his, all his. Xxxxxxxxx

  • lynda says:

    Thank you for sharing I do now how you feel when were abused and hurt we block out the memories because it’s to difficult to face and we blame ourselves. My heart goes out to you what your dad is doing is wrong he is manipulating you and drugging you up to abuse you more . Is their anyone you trust to try and access and get help from a service in the area you live in to get support and help. Often our body reacts when we are being abused we either fight freeze or flight because your dad as used drugs your memory hasn’t processed what has happened to you so it’s coming back by flashes bit by bit or even with out drugs are bodies can’t remember because it’s to painful at that time so another trauma can bring memories to the forefront of your brain . Your body is also processing the abuse by having flashbacks and also memories also can happen through your body by having panic attacks. You need help by a proper professional who deals with trauma, abuse and rape issues in a safe place. As the memories will be coming back slowly it you might make you feel a sense of shame and guilt this is not your fault any of this it’s the perpetrators fault I remember being told that if I didn’t get help when my ex was hurting me, he didn’t live with me anymore he will come back and keep hurting you. Its hard when you have been hurt by a parent because you love the person and their are mix messages to unravel and a lot of confusion why has my dad done this to me. The most important thing is your safety that’s paramount because he has already drug you and next time it could get worse. Please access help through the authorities or a rape crises centre or a phone line speak to another member of your family or a friend and ask them to help you to speak to someone to get the support and help you need. Even though it might of happened to you, it also might of happened to your siblings or even your children you need support and help. I want to say thank you for sharing such a personal situation you are brave courageous and I send my hugs, love to you. On this web site their our many stories of abuse and hurt please don’t feel your so alone and isolated we are here and we know how you feel. Please talk to someone and try to get the help you deserve and the support because of what you have suffered from take care I’ll be thinking of you and please remember it is not your fault.