Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

A very grey area

We had been drinking and I was staying at a trusted friends house. So was an old 'friend' who used to have a somewhat obsessive crush on me, but I thought enough years had passed for this phase to be over. We came back from a party and I head to the guest room where I was meant to sleeping alone. This 'friend' comes in a climbs in bed with me, I tell him, too drunk to be firm and tell him to leave, that I don't want to do anything sexual, just cuddling. He begins to start touching me and taking off my clothes, which I tell him not to do. He starts kissing me, and I am too confused to kiss back but allow him to. He asks if I want to have sex and I tell him no, but he begins to touch me in a very sexual way, persuading me and continues to ask. He admits now that I told him how I felt that he was being too pushy. I felt unable to say no at this point, not wanting to hurt his feelings in the moment (something I can't quite understand why I felt that way) and said yes. He has sex with me, but I only remember feeling detached from it and wanting to say no throughout but for some reason not saying anything. It physically does not work very well because I am not aroused, and think I might have fallen asleep in bits of it. I remember wanting to tell him to stop and not saying anything, and felt very detached from what was happening to me. In the morning I felt very taken advantage of, as I was rather drunk, and shaken. I feel that what happened was not consensual, but since I said yes after being 'convinced' into it, I am not entirely sure how to feel. I would never press charges, but am also confused about how to label this incident; hopefully a word I could use to describe it would help me rationalise this unpleasant experience.

 

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