Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

13 is an odd number, let’s make it rape number 14 (content note)

It was my boyfriends birthday (ex boyfriend now) and we had plans to go out for dinner and then meet up with friends after.

I was ready bang on time, waiting for him to pick me up, but for some reason he was late.. I just assumed that he must be caught up somewhere and he'll soon turn up. After waiting about 20 mins or so I heard a car pull up outside and I rushed downstairs with so much excitement as I thought he was finally here!! But I was wrong. It wasn't him, it was his friend (I don't know him very well) and he said that my boyfriend arranged for him to pick me up last minute because he's held up elsewhere, so by him dropping me to the restaurant would be easier all round. I found it a little strange.. but it all seems fine, doesn't it?

My boyfriend can't collect me, so his friend is doing him a favour by picking me up. Where's the harm in that??

So, I got in the car. After about 5/10mins of driving he complimented me & I nervously laughed and just changed the subject because I felt so awkward and uncomfortable and I thought it was super inappropriate. We stopped in the middle of nowhere and I was so confused&questioned him. He got out of the car then opened my door and pulled me out&then thats when the nightmare began.

He tied my hands together and blindfolded me and then i screamed in agony because he hit me in my the side of my thigh then he put tape over my mouth. Words cannot even begin to describe what I was feeling. All I could hear were the voices of many, many men. A part of me thought is this some sort of sick, twisted joke they've planned. How stupid of me to think that??!!!!! The minute I felt someones hand go up my dress it all hit me, I knew, I knew this was real and it was happening to me. They then stripped me until I was naked. And I literally thought I was going to die and I wanted to. I wanted them to kill me.

One by one, they all had their turn. It's like they all had an image in their mind of what they wanted to do to me. All 13 of them put  various things on my body&then licked it off. After they had their "fun" one by one, they raped me. Every rape felt like somebody was dropping bricks on me from the sky, the pain was excruciating. But it didn't stop there, one man said- 13 is an odd number, I don't like it, it gives me OCD.. let me bang her one last time then we'll go. By the time he raped me I literally felt dead, mentally and physically, he could have done it a further 10 or 20x, it would not have made a difference.

Before they left one of them untied my hands. You'd think my nightmare was over? I untied the material that was around my eyes and ripped the tape off my mouth. Everything was pitch black, I felt like I couldnt breath, all I wanted to do was stay on the ground. But I couldn't.. I feared that they would have come back for me, I was left with no clothes and my mind was just telling me to walk. Walk anywhere but stay here. Crawl if you have to but you need to go Diane. I felt like a rag doll who had just been used and abused and thrown away because you've gotten everything out of her now, so you fling her as you don't need her anymore. I was their doll, I was there to provide them a service. (I know I'm rambling, sorry.) After walking for a while I saw some houses and that's when everything became even more humiliating as I all I could think was you need to cover yourself with something somehow, but what?! And that's when I tipped someones rubbish out of their bin bag, stood in it to make a hole so I could put my legs in and then wrapped it around me. Everything about the night was degrading and scarring.

After about 2 hrs I got home and I saw my boyfriends car parked up outside and he just sat there on the porch, his face was full of disgust; which made me feel so confused. All I wanted was for him to hug me. All I thought was if he hugs me my pain will go away. Instead, he just yelled abuse at me and then played a voice note on his phone of a scream (my scream) that got sent to him. And showed me a photo of myself in my underwear. My facewas in absolute horror. And it all made sense. He thought that was some kind of sexual scream and me lying on the ground was me getting ready to have sex with someone! The scream was from the immense amount of pain I was feeling when his friend hit me with some sort whip on my thigh. I literally had no words because I knew what was coming and I was right. He thought I planned this all to hurt him.. he said that his friends warned him about me being slut but he ignored it and now he feels like the mug for being with a dirty slag like me. I tried to get the word rape out of my mouth but it just wouldn't come out.. I was struggling so much. He then laughed at me said I pity you if you're going to blame this on whoever you had sex with and say they raped you. Because that's the go to saying for you deluded women isn't it. When you get caught out, you cry rape so you don't look like whores. This is all your fault and your fault alone. And if it was "rape" like you're thinking it is,maybe you should take a long hard look at yourself and think what you did wrong..because you could have prevented all of this happening to you if youre saying its "rape"..youre pathetic. I have all the evidence I need, so don't even bother talking yourself out of it all. You're a fucking skank Diane and I'm going to make sure everyone knows how twisted you are. And in case you haven't clicked on yet, this relationship is over. And a word of advice, why dont you try and have a bit of respect for yourself and not be so easy. Oooh and before I leave, I was at home with my mum when I played that recording and got your picture, she thinks the same as I do and even said..it's all about her and the way she looks, I mean what girl needs to wear red lipstick everyday if they're not wanting attention or trying to get with someone. Get rid of her, she is shameful and beyond disgusting. ERM??? I'M SORRY, SO, BECAUSE I WEAR RED LIPSTICK IT MEANS I WANT A MAN TO RAPE ME??? ARE YOU FOR FREAKING REAL??!!! I'm not even going to begin to explain how hearing all of this affected me and made me feel because I could go on for hrs (I already have, sorry!) Plus it just makes me cry to the point of exhaustion.

But now what??

What's the point in anything? I've forgotten how it's like to smile and mean it. Ive forgotten how it's like to be me. I've forgotten how it feels to live and like it. Now I just exist. Or nearly so. So tell me what's the point of living a life pretending to the whole world that everything is fucking glorious.

Since its happened everyday it gets harder. Everyday it's like a nightmare progressing on. Everyday is another prayer echoing from my bones asking God to take me now. Everyday I close up more. Everyday it gets more impossible. Everyday I feel myself die some more. Everyday I lay on my bed wondering how I'll leave this hell. I've never felt so much pain in my life.

Today was supposed to be huge day. I was due to move into University but there's no way I feel like I can go after what's happened. My whole life has just turned into one massive disaster. Because of 13 (every curse word you can imagine and more) men my whole life has changed. And I don't think I'm ever going to be able to recover from this.

 

 

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4 thoughts on “13 is an odd number, let’s make it rape number 14 (content note)

  • lynda says:

    I am so proud of you and your are brave, courageous to tell your story here. These people are despicable they and your boyfriend don’t deserve to be on the streets or even have a partner or a life after what has happened to you. You have done nothing wrong you should be allowed to wear what you,put bright lip stick on your face. Men shouldn’t think this is a come on because of what your wear, what you look like. You have every right to be who you want to be. These men don’t deserve to live in a society to behave in a animal like mentality. Have you been able to speak to someone from Rape crisis this will help you speak out and process the emotional roller coaster ride your going through at this moment. This is never the victim’s fault it lies in those thirteen men and your boyfriend and his mum. It is not your fault I know you will feel this is yours but it is not. Often we either freeze, fight or flight it’s a normal reaction to abnormal situation of being raped. Know that we all know how you feel as a lot of us have been raped and the numbing disbelief and then rage these are normal feelings that you will experience. Please don’t give up on your life your life is worth so much don’t let them destroy you you have your whole life ahead of you. It will be hard it will be painful and at times you want to give up because of being invaded by others in a dehumanising way. You are beautiful wonderful and courageous they might of taking something away from you that day and you might not be able to replace it but you are strong to write here to tell us your story and your pain it isn’t an easy feat to do so well done to you. I send you my love my hugs my strength and know one day, one step at a time and know it was never your fault it was the perpetrators fault all of them you deserve so much better. take care and I will be thinking of you.

  • Ali Bee says:

    I believe you. I’m so sorry.

  • Lerry says:

    I just want to say thank you for sharing. I was gang raped when I was 11 and for many years I wished they had also murdered me too. That murder would be better. I know where you are coming from when you speak of your humiliation. I wish you love and peace.

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