Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

I felt safe. (*Content note – description of rape)

This just happend about a month ago. It was a friday night/saturday morning. I'm 16 and I live with my mom and our roomate that lives downstairs with her son. My mom and the roomate work together painting houses and they were staying at our roomates relates house while working out of town.
A while later our roomates cousin wanted to stay with us in the city for a night so he could catch a bus in the morning to a diffrent city, since my mom stayed at there place she said yes and he spent the night in my home , I wasnt home I was at my dads. The next day my mom called me and told me our roomates cousin was there and I came home to visit him before he left because I met him once before and he seemed like a really nice guy.

At around 7pm we left my house to take him to the bus depot so he. Leave and I could buy a ticket to go to edmonton to visit my boyfriend that iv bin with for 16 months. Before we got there me my mom and my moms friend were talking about drinking at my moms friends house and this guy said he would stay one more night so he could drink with us. So he stayd.

We got to my moms friends house I called my boyfriend just to let him know my plans for the night he asked me if I was safe, I said yes he herd a mans voice and was instantly worried but I told him I'm drinking with my mom so everything will be fine and our convo was over. We went in the basment to drink , we were having a really good time . I played my guitar , we danced . Everything was fine. My moms friends dad said what I wAs wearing was innapropriat and he told me to change. I had clothes there because I was doing laundry. As soon as my stuff was dry I put on pants . I put them over top of nilones that I was wearing becasue I had no underwear on. So we were drinking still and I sat beside the roomates cousin and the friends dad pointed out that this guy was flirting with me , I had no clue because he was saying things to me I hear all the time. "Your amazing at guitar" "your going to be famous" all that jazz . And my mom dint think much of it eather. But the friends dad got mad and kicked us out. My mom drove us home just me my mom and this guy. We got to my house and sat in the kitchen.my mom asked me to go to bed but I dint want to because it was 5am and I dint wanna mess up my hours so I was going to stay awake all day.she went to bed.I went to my room and put on pajamas I took off the pant and nylones and put on the first things I saw , a green pair of shorts very lose shorts no underwear underneath but you could see anything plus I never thought this 34 year old man would think of me in any sexual way just because of what I was wearing , I'm 16 , dint think any one over 20 would think that way about me. I guess I was wrong. I sat on the couch and turned on the tv I wAs watching a movie.with him sitting on the other side of the couch, I felt safe, I was in my own home just watching a movie with our guest. But somthing went wrong . I guess while I wAs zoned out on the t.v he must have undone his pant with out me noticing . Because before I knew it he was over me. He went to kiss me and I puched away his face.biggest mystake I made wAs pushing his face and not his full body.then he just forced his penis into me. It hurt. Horibly hurt.I through him off of me and yelled"Fuck you I'm going to fucking bed" and left to bed.he then came to my room and started to appologys, I kept saying "get out of my room" and he left. In the morning he came into my room and started talking to me. I was afraid of him I quikly sa on my bed and scooted to the corner.he acted as if nothing happend at all.the hole day I sat in my room , I called my friend amanda and she came over I told her everything . I was afraid to tell my mom with him in the house and I was afraid ll my boyfriend but I knew I had to tell him as soon as he got off work... I left with my friend . All I could think about all day is I don't want to live. I felt discusting. Even tho I bathed I felt dirty.my mom took him to his bus and he left. Then I went home and told her.

She was mad at me .... She blamed me for I was wearing earliwer in the night. She kept blaming me.......... We went to the cops. They told me my story dint add up and that maby I slept with him on purpose but lied and said rape because I have a bf......I don't know who would do that.stupid. But I'm kinda scared if it goes to court because I recently found out this man who raped me has killed a man before and he could come after me.
My mom lost 2 friends over this and she blames me . Over and over . She says it my fault. It made me want to die even more. I still think that it is my fault.and still think about harming myself but I stay strong for my boyfriend because I love him and he has bin the onlyone there for me through all of this.

I still don't know what to do or think. But I hope it will get better. There is an image of what I was wearing

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14 thoughts on “I felt safe. (*Content note – description of rape)

  • Admin says:

    Hi Kali – thank you for sharing your experience with us – we believe you.
    I am sorry that you were raped. I am sorry that you were left unsupported and that you blame yourself. What happened to you is not your fault and it is not ok.
    We hope that you will get in touch if you need support. We are based in England at present but if you live outside of England, you can email us and we can assist you in finding support close to where you live.
    xxx

  • margaret says:

    Kali , so sorry to hear of your trauma , all the feelings you describe after the rape is typical of symptoms victims suffer. re-victimization also happens some people can not or won’t accept the truth. Please seek support with those who understand.

  • Alan Strafford says:

    Kali, please don’t feel guilty, you did nothing wrong and what happened to you was certainly not your fault. I am saddened that your mother blames you, hopefully in time she will have a change of heart. Stay strong, help and support is there for you, you took the first step by sharing your story. Love & peace x

  • Lovely, I am sorry that you were raped. It was not your fault.

    You were raped because that man made a choice to rape you. Nothing you did or said or wore diminishes his responsibility for rape. He made a choice because he is a rapist.

    I am saddened that your mother believes it was partly your fault. It doesn’t matter why she thinks it is your fault. Your mother is wrong.

    Rape Crisis has a free phone helpline if you need someone to talk to:

    This is the number and opening times for Rape Crisis England/Wales :
    0808 802 9999
    12 – 2.30pm
    7 – 9.30pm

    Rape Crisis Scotland :
    08088 01 03 02 [everyday from 6 pm – midnight]

  • Vonny Watts says:

    This made me cry. You did nothing wrong and nothing to cause him to do what he did. You were raped by this beast because he made that decision and the blame lies entirely with him. I do hope you take the help offered above but do know that good people will always believe you. Sending all my best wishes that you get the support you deserve.

  • shel says:

    Sweetie, we believe you. And let me tell you, you did nothing wrong – it was nothing you said, it was nothing you did. It wasn’t how you were dressed.
    He made the choice to attack you. It is his fault and no one else’s.
    We believe what happened to you. Call your local rape crisis centre. Tell them about what happened to you. You can find a friendly, supportive and non-judgemental ear, there. They may offer counselling or can point you in the direction pf a local counselling service, if you feel you might benefit from further support.
    Virtual hugs to you.xxxxx

  • Paul Milnes says:

    Kali, you’ve been very brave telling your story. Along with all the other commenters, I’d like to reassure you that you were entirely blameless in all this – the responsibility for this crime (and it is a crime) lies solely with the man who committed it.
    Your mum needs to see the responses to your story so she can understand how wrong victim-blaming really is. The police reaction is very disappointing; they are professionals and should know better.
    I hope you get the support you deserve to get beyond this dreadful incident and have faith in yourself; you’re so much better than the man who did this to you.

  • Lynn says:

    Hi Kali,

    I am so sorry that this happened to you, and that you have been hurt further by the reaction of your mum.

    No matter what you were wearing, the actions of this man were abhorrent and you should not be blamed in the slightest.

    Please phone and speak to someone from Rape Crisis helpline.

    I believe you.

    xx

  • Heather Downs says:

    Hey Kali – please listen to the people here – you did NOTHING wrong, he did. I’m really sorry you haven’t had more help from your mother and the police. Rape Crisis will help you. Please call them.

  • Christi says:

    Kali, you should have been safe. This man made a choice and he alone is to blame. You could have been wearing baggy jeans and a thick woolly jumper and he would have still found an excuse to make that choice.

    Your friends father was wrong and nasty. Your mother is wrong. The man who raped you is very very wrong. The only person who didn’t do anything wrong is you. Please take the others advice and ring Rape Crisis. Also remember you don’t have to go to court or report this unless you want to. Look after yourself and keep safe.

    I believe you.

  • Ellie Grogan says:

    Dear Kali,
    So sorry to hear what happened to you. This must be awful and heartbreaking.
    Now please be clear – this man raped you- you made clear you did not want sex with him.
    He took advantage of the situation, of you being young and all the nice words were a ploy to get near you.
    He was the adult- you the child – all his doing.
    Doesn’t matter what you wear No man has the right to invade you.
    You are a human being with the right to your own body and anyone who breaches that is committing a criminal offence.
    Breaching or even touching another human beings body without clear consent is a criminal offence.
    Just remember you have the legal right to the wholeness of your own
    body.
    I hope you go to court and when you do WE will all be there for you and we’ll run a mighty campaign if you don’t get justice.

  • Alison says:

    Hi Kali

    Firstly, I am so so sorry to hear this.

    Secondly, you are not alone in what you are experiencing, sadly, this is a common reaction and your feelings in processing what has happened to you are what many rape survivors experience.

    As everyone else has said, none of this was nor is your fault. The man who did this to you is 100% responsible for his actions and 100% to blame.

    Your mum may be blaming you as she may feel really guilty that she wasn’t there for you and to protect you.

    You mention Edmonton in your post, is that Edmonton Canada? Or London. If the former, here are the details of where you can get help and support.
    http://www.informalberta.ca/public/organization/orgProfileStyled.do?organizationQueryId=1031092

    If the latter, you can contact the nearest Rape Crisis centre here: http://www.rapecrisislondon.org/content/our-centres

    I believe you.

  • Philippa Molloy says:

    I’m so sorry to hear about what happened to you. Sadly, your experience of what happened when you told your mum and the police is all too common.

    I believe you. It was not your fault that you were raped. You were raped because the man was a rapist and he is wholly to blame for this, not you.

    I’m very sorry to hear that your mum is not supporting you and is blaming you for this.

    People don’t become rapists because of what someone is wearing. He would have raped you no matter what you had on.

  • Catalonia Hernandez says:

    First if all, I am sorry this man raped you. I am sorry that the police doubted you and your mother blames you. This is not fair. This shouldn’t happen. You should be safe in your own home and your mother should believe you.

    We all believe you and you will find that there is no shortage of people who are capable of seeing that the only person at fault here is the rapist. Do try to get in touch with the organisations mentioned, I promise they will help not make you feel worse. You deserve to be listened to and supported. You don’t deserve to be feeling like you do now.